Wow am I tired. One of the births I am waiting for *almost* happened yesterday. That is to say, labor started, and I nervously called a gazillion babysitters to try to get coverage. There must have been a babysitter's convention in Be'er Sheva yesterday. I even hit up adult friends, but before that mission was complete I had a epiphany of a babysitter whom I actually had forgotten to try. She answered her phone and said she was free. She agreed to be "on call" for me all evening. At the same time, I was at the property tax office (Hebrew- "arnona") shuffling paperwork and waiting on lines for bureaucratic protocols regarding my disability. I was so nervous about being in a holding pattern waiting for my number to come up at the property tax office, and thinking I have to go to a birth, and worrying about babysitters and dinner, calling to have someone pick up Shifra, and wondering how long would I be gone with the birth, and the fact that I was already so tired... I was stressed.
Turns out that Hilary was there with the laboring lady (this was the home-birth I agreed to do together with Hilary). Fifteen minutes before my babysitter was supposed to arrive, Hilary called to say there is no rush. I can stay home until further notice. The labor is very slow, not much progress, it may even stop. So I quickly called my babysitter hoping to catch her before she left. I did, and she cheerily agreed to await further notice (bless her soul).
In short, all evening I was "on my mark" ready to start the race. The adrenaline was rushing, in an uncomfortable way. My logic was telling me I have time, and to calm down. I continued with my evening with the kids, and I was proud of myself that since I was home I decided to make a great dinner for everyone (I even got them to eat spinach!). At 7:00 I asked the babysitter to come anyway because I was exhausted. I went up to rest at 7:30, in anticipation of being awakened at who-knows-when for the birth.
I couldn't sleep. I took a half of a sleeping pill, then I took the other half just an hour later. At 10:30 I finally took a whole one, desperate to sleep, but nervous that it'd make me too drowsy if I get the call in an hour. In short, I slept till 8am, waking up nervous that I missed a call (even though my cell was at the loudest setting on the shelf directly over my head). Checked the phone, nothing. Hilary called soon thereafter, and turns out the labor stopped, everyone slept a full night, and we'll wait till it starts again, whenever it decides to.
I made another good, nutritious dinner tonight because I am home. I got to help with homework, and give lots of love and joking with the kids.
But, when a call came for Ya'akov from his friend inviting him over to play tomorrow, I had to say to the mother that I'll be in touch with her tomorrow; it depends on whether or not I am called to work. It's not the clear answer that Ya'akov wanted, nor is it the answer I wanted to be in the position to have to give him.
Then, an hour ago, I got an SMS ("simple messaging system" on the cell phone) from lady #2, and she "feels" like she will start very soon. She has a lot of pressure, but no contractions. It's not so easy to give birth with no contractions, so it isn't urgent, in my opinion, but just getting the SMS puts my senses on high alert.
I have to sleep. I am exhausted, and I haven't even done either of these births yet. I have my answer to my post yesterday about being confused ...
It is clear. It was clear yesterday, but I had to write it all and sound it out. As my sister-in-law said, I just have to put my signature on the bottom.
I will not commit to a big work load. I will try my best not to have births close together (although it isn't in our control). I want to say that I won't work at all right now, and I will continue to concentrate on my rehabilitation and my family. But, I am committed presently to these two births, and possibly two births at the beginning of April. I may un-commit to one of them, I'll decide soon.
After speaking to a very therapeutic friend today (MM :-}), I realized that for me, the fact that lots of work is coming my way at this moment means that I am ready to define my goals. It isn't necessarily because I should take it all.
Hashem trusts that I am now able to rise to the challenge of defining what is important to me, without the necessity for Him to force it on me, like illness forces decisions on a person.
My signature:
Sarah Klein
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