My music

This morning while I was driving the children to school, Dov wanted to put in the CD I have of Louis Armstrong. It is a great CD set-- I love Louis. Great spirit and just fantastic jazz trumpet playing. Dov loves it, too.

It's just that this morning I wasn't in the mood for music. At first I asked him to pick something else from my glove compartment, and he did, but even though it is in my car because I like it, it was annoying me. I said I'd like it off, that I need quiet.

But then I realized that a Dvorak string quartet ("American") was going through my head. I realized it wasn't silence I wanted, but beautiful harmonies that have the power to cause the Earth to breathe in rhythm.

I miss being part of building harmonies. I miss playing in symphony orchestras. I want to play Brahms again, Mahler, Beethoven. The heavy Romantic period dudes- lots of meaty gorgeous parts for the horn section.

I did that. I did that *a lot* (20 years professionally), and I loved the music. I just can't stand the politics. After quite a while of it, the politics of the orchestra start to take over, and it is harder to be enthusiastic about playing all the time with a demanding schedule. Except if I love the music.

What happened with the job I held here for 12 years is that not only were the politics icky, but the music didn't do it for me any more. The repertoire kept repeating itself year after year, and the concerts that I felt were fulfilling were few and very far between. I wasn't practicing in any disciplined way, just maintaining status quo. It went that way for a long time. Then when my birthing interests started growing into a doula practice, I got more enthusiastic for life, and like meaning got infused into life. But when the two careers were getting equally demanding and I was in too deep with them, after long and hard soul searching, I left the orchestra.

I have been very happy with the decision. OK, put getting sick and almost dying and having rare diseases off to the side for the purposes of my point. My point is that I don't necessarily want *that* job back. They never played the meaty symphonies I hunger for. And if they did, there weren't enough instruments in the orchestra to glue the whole thing together and come alive. Too small, and very sadly missing some key instrumentalists for the wind section.

I learned in Juilliard, played in Carnegie Hall, in Boston Symphony Hall, and I have played with Leonard Bernstein in Tanglewood. When I preformed my degree recital for my Master's, nearly the entire conservatory came-- I put together a very eclectic and challenging concert recital. It was such a blast!

It is much more than half my life, this horn playing thing. I am beginning to miss it. I want a goal... like a 6 month goal to practice and get into consistent playing shape, and then play a big Mahler concert with the Jerusalem Symphony, or the Israel Philharmonic.

But at the moment it is only a dream. Possibly fleeting, who knows with these things. Sitting in a hard chair for hours at a time is pretty much out of the question. Last time I played a rehearsal I was squirmy and very achy the whole time. And speaking of time, I have a commitment to be here for my kids, not to pursue my own career again. It also takes a lot of physical and emotional energy to build goals and put them into action. I am not willing to do that at the moment. And I still need so much sleep, I don't think I could follow through even if I chose to.

This post isn't about starting orchestral playing again. That is not in my picture for now. I am healing, and also I want to work on my book, if I have room for any extra commitments these days.

But I will put more CD's in my car. Part of me is living in a drought. It took two and a half years to feel it, though, you know? The politics, the hum-drum-ness of the same job year after year, no challenges... it took a long time to hear music again without all that.

I hear it now, and I want to listen. I need harmony in my life.