Pesach (Passover) 2000, Jewish year 5770

I love Pesach.

I mean, I love the holiday, itself, when it finally comes. There is so much work to do preparing the kitchen before the actual holiday, but when I light candles, and then after the evening prayers we sit down to the seder, it is am amazing feeling. It is so special, the feeling cannot be captured in any other holiday. I mean, all the holidays have their own "flavor" and feeling, but for me, Pesach is It. *Especially* in Israel. It is the ultimate celebration of Gd's kindness and mercy.

Every year, I get a little worried as Pesach time nears, if we don't have plans to spend the holiday with family and/or friends. If there have been years that we weren't able to be with family (my BIL & SIL is my main family here), I felt sad and unwilling to acknowledge that The World didn't revolve around what *I* wanted! There have been years that my brother Peter came from America, and that Robert's parents (may their memories be for a blessing) and/or brothers joined us. The seder was at our house every year since we have been married, excluding two years.

This year we had planned to go to Modi'in to spend the holiday with my BIL & SIL. My SIL & I planned out the cooking already, and we were both looking forward to a seder that we mutually decided would focus on the children for once.

Then I got another test-- could I be happy with seder alone only with my immediate family?

The test happened when it became clear to me that my usual back-up doula isn't available for backing me up if I were to go out of town on the chag (holiday). I am expecting two births these days, and without a back-up, I have to stay in Be'er Sheva to be on call for them.

So I called my SIL and discussed this. It turns out that they can't come here instead, because they had also invited other people to join us all at their house for seder. So they felt that they needed to keep their plans because the lives of other people are involved, and that is also what happened with me.

So, we are doing separate seders. At first this made me really sad and a little panicky, but I knew I made the right decision. I am very involved with my clients, and they depend on me. It is not professional, or nice, of me to cause them undue anxiety by all-of-a-sudden saying I won't be here for the chag.

Now, Robert & I are really looking forward to being on our own for seder. It feels like a gift, in a way. It will be low pressure-- no guests. And then we can *really* focus on the kids and hear their songs they learned, hear their Torah they learned, teach them our traditions, and be together.

When we do the right things and take care of situations in the right way, things fall into place. That includes emotional things, too. I am not sad or panicky, I feel like this is absolutely the right decision, and it is the Grand Plan.

I am relieved that I am being true to my pregnant ladies; I couldn't live with myself otherwise. I am also relieved that Robert is looking forward to this seder, also. He also feels good that it is going to be intimate (although we must remember the possibility that I may be pulled away to a laboring woman!).

I am getting better at listening to my inner truth. It's the feeling that "this decision is from Gd". It's like music-- when the pitches match up in perfect harmony, the universe resonates. But it is so hard to have those pitches line up that way; it is such a delicate balance. It is *real* listening. One has to be really quiet to get there.

May Hashem help us all to hear that delicate inner truth with all decisions and paths in life.