Tuesday, May 4, 2010

more about my three year re-birthday

This whole re-birthday thing... it is so in my soul. I feel it all the time these days. I am having flashbacks as if it were yesterday. I wonder when those will subside? One in particular keeps coming back... the one where I was in a CT scan while I was under anesthesia. Unbeknown to anyone there, I did wake up a bit, and saw that I was in a tube surrounded by white light and a strange vacuum noise. I thought I was dying; I thought Gd was taking me to Him. I saw my children's faces in my head. I wanted to say Sh'ma Yisrael. But the next time I woke up was in the ICU, alive, with Robert next to my bed.

Gosh this whole three years has been... what? Crazy? Painful? Unbelievable? I can't hang a word on this time period. Just that whatever it is and has been, it's directed by Gd. It's like life is this contract with Gd that He gets to read before signing, and you just sign out of trust; faith. If we could read it first, including all the fine print, we'd be OK with going through these difficult trials, we'd see the point of it all. We'd see why we are signing up for this. But the blueprint for Who We Are Supposed To Become is not revealed to us. So it comes down to faith... and to using our Gd given reasoning/sense to make decisions that fit the life He gave us.

For me... now... I live with a dual reality; one, is that I am blessed with the life He gave me. I wouldn't actually change anything. I know that sounds kooky, but I have gained so much from these trials, and have all that much more to give. To give my husband and children, my birthing mothers, friends, and anonymous people who read here.

The other is... OMG look at what has gone ON here these past three years!!! It starts here, for those who wish to mark the re-birth day with me by re-reading the original story, written 5 months after NF. It is not an easy read, but the faith was there, even then.
Add another rare disease after that (PVNS), and 5 surgeries, then hundreds... no, countless days spent in bed, in 3 years, and again I say, OMG! What has gone ON here!!

...and it's still going on.

A month or so ago when I saw my Rav in Jerusalem, when our conversation was winding down, I said to him, questioningly, "Are things going to be good?" To that he responded "things are going to be better".

"יהיה בסדר?
"יהיה יותר טוב

We can pray for the better.
The good, in the Godly sense ("And He saw that it was good"-- Bereishit-Genesis-, creation, after each day of creation; only He can do that kind of good. That's what I meant as in "the Godly sense"),
*that* is out of our hands.


  1. fantastic post - kol man d'aveid Rachmana l'tav aveid - whatever G-d does IS good - it's our job to find it and emulate it

  2. I still remember the fear and horror from over here on the other side of the world. The burdens you suffer are still tremendous, but the wonder that you are still here for your family and friends is great as well. Congratulations on your re-birthday.

    Beth (from oct98)