Tuesday, June 1, 2010

honestly? I am so down. I need you.

It's one of those times now that I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and unable to organize myself and my priorities.

I saw Dr. Litman today, I hadn't been to him in many months. My bad. He recommended a few supplements to boost my immune system and help me to hopefully get off sleeping pills eventually.
Now I have to order them, and start taking them in an organized fashion.

While was at his office, my children's pediatrician called me. I took the call because she only calls me if it is Urgent. Apparently, she got the report from the endocrinologist (regarding Shifra), and wants to get right on these tests for Shifra. She put a fear in me with her urgency. I told her I am not so on top of that at the moment because of my own problem and tests recently. So she told me she'll do it, she'll send the faxes and make the ophthalmologist appointment. She's incredible. She knows what we've been through over here.

But now I am very worried about Shifra. Because her eyes are changing, hurting her; her prescription is funky (one eye is double the strength of the other), the doctor is worried about a possible tumor on her pituitary gland causing these hormonal happenings at too early an age. Eye changes are a possible sign of that. I can't write more about it. I just have to do these tests with her and pray hard. Shifra Chaya Bat Sarah Rachel.

And my appetite problem, queasiness, pain in the right side, it's all still there with no diagnosis yet. I feel so down. Like I've been rendered incapable of taking care of myself or my family & home duties. I should be on top of this stuff, and facing a possible problem with my happy little girl, I just feel like I'll break. Stuck in my own mud at her expense.

Summer plans have to be made and firmed up. I am having big surgery in 6 weeks. I need a nanny, and a framework for each of my children. I just feel paralyzed by all this. Simply paralyzed.

Hashem has been teaching me to be a better parent. But I am not Florence Nightingale... please, Gd, put my daughter's problems on *me*. That, I can do.


  1. I'm sorry everything seems to be squashing you right now. Good luck getting the tests you need for both of you; if it is any consolation, my eyes have had vastly different prescriptions since I was about ten or so. I'm not sure exactly when; I remember cheating on eye tests in school (memorizing the line with my good eye). I didn't get caught out until I needed a drivers license.

    I get headaches if I switch between glasses/no glasses, but my brain learned to adjust to either one. I saved lots of money on contact lenses -- for a while I only needed them for one eye.

  2. Love is your best tool here - your mother's love for Shifra is unique and this is what you are giving her, along with the positive affirmation that Hashem does not give you more than you can handle however impossible it looks.
    And we love you and are sending you all the most fervent blessings for Refuah Shlema - for Sarah Rachel bat Tova and Shifra Chaya bat Sarah Rachel.