Thursday, July 8, 2010

Another opportunity to strengthen my emunah

Please Gd, show me clarity.

The nanny who I had planned on coming here for the hospital time and thereafter just flaked out on me tonight and isn't coming. I found that out only because I called her this evening. I wanted to know when we could expect her. She was supposed to start Sunday. It was all planned out.

The thought crossed my mind-- maybe I should cancel the surgery? I mean, it's not urgent. My hernias are there, and will remain there until I get them fixed. Yes, they could get worse. But it's not urgent.

That may sound really left-field to think of canceling the surgery. And indeed, I do plan on making a few calls tomorrow to try to find a nanny who I know and trust. I have a few leads. But I only have tomorrow. Shabbat is unplugged, of course, and Sunday is already Sunday. If I have a new nanny, I have to have her over already Sunday. We leave Monday around noon.

My first thought was indeed to race to find a new nanny, and raise my blood pressure to extraordinary heights to do so.

But there is only so much I can do.

These past three days that Robert & I went away, the sitters flaked out a lot. *A lot*. Now this. Is Hashem telling me to stay home and take care of my children? That this isn't the time?

My PVNS pain is back, and *strong*. I feel that I need to be available to take care of that, whatever that means.
I have had diarrhea for many weeks now. Maybe it's not so wise to go into surgery with that happening?
I am inordinately scared of post-op infection or skin graft complications. Is that apprehension because of my reality of being an NF survivor, or is it founded enough for me to go with it?

I got NF from a hernia repair, done with a mesh. The surgery on Monday is supposed to be a *big* hernia repair, caused by having had NF, with a BIG mesh (about one foot by 10 inches or so? Maybe bigger. It has to go over the margins of the graft. And it'll be attached to my pubic bone. Terrifying when I let myself think about it). Bad infections can sometimes come from these meshes. My surgeon assured me up & down that it's the best material known to man, and his infection rate is zero with this type of fix. But when has he really had *this* type of fix?? Has he really had to go under a large skin graft laproscopically, detach all the adhesions, and implant a mesh like this? Yes, I am scared.

I don't want my fear to operate my decisions, though. But, "a healthy dose of fear is good", some say. Why is it good? I don't actually agree with that. With strong emunah, there is no healthy dose of fear. There is no fear... just trust.

Hashem, please show me clarity. I pray that by afternoon tomorrow things will be very clear to me about what is the right decision. I pray for a peaceful Shabbat, with the right plans falling into place.

So many tests. So many tests.

I have to get even quieter to hear my heart's answer on this one.

No comments :

Post a Comment