Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The post-op bungee cord

Recovering from this surgery feels so much more like the time period of recovering from NF surgeries than recovering from the PVNS tumor excision last September.

After the NF there was this long time period that I was hovering between sick and better. Like six months or so... more, actually. That's also when the PTSD was at it's all-time high, and I couldn't feel the earth under my feet.

I somehow feel that way now. It's been rough emotionally. The post-op bungee cord (hat tip to you, MZ!) is plunging. I am somewhere between Sarah the patient, and Sarah the fully recovered mother of four. It's is no man's land; nobody knows what to expect from me, not the least of which myself. It appears that I can be up and around, drive places some, wash a sink full of dishes and clean up, but then it's not true for all time. I crash big, and picking up the pieces is tedious.

And I feel PTSD, and I don't have an explanation as to why. This surgery was planned, and not traumatic; I knew what to expect, and I didn't almost die or anything like that. Maybe it's because it's been so amazingly painful, and getting sensitive to morphine based medicines (which I soooo often relied on these past three years) makes that pain long-term and lonely. The laproscopic surgery left hardly any signs in it's wake (three small holes healed up pretty quickly), but my insides are so different. It feels like things were attached to bones and whatnot, and the muscle feels like something violent was done to it. I know it's just a matter of time and I'll feel better. But something about this surgery is bringing it all back to me; maybe because it is the NF area? Body memories? I almost feel I am reliving it, but I know, intellectually, that this was a *repair* job. That's why it is taking me totally off-guard that the trauma vortex is rearing it's ugly head.

I am slightly in the weeds of PTSD, and it's a hard place to be. For all of us.

1 comment :

  1. Oh, Sarah. How difficult to be on that cord as it plunges down to the ground. It's hard to rationalize that you will not hit, but stop somewhere short of the ground and start back up again. And also that eventually it will stop going up and down and will "stablize" so you can get off. I wish you all the best as you continue this journey. Be good to yourself. If you're feeling good -- try not to do too much. (Hard to say to you! You want to be doing it all!!) What a test in patience you are having.

    Hugs, Jackie