Monday, September 20, 2010

Intense time period, the high holy days...

This is such an intense period of time for the Jews. With the beginning of the new year comes lots of praying, eating, blowing shofars, eating, fasting, praying, praying, supplicating, begging, then finally eating again. Then shortly after all that, there comes the time which is upon us now, when we build little temporary houses outside of our own homes and move into them. We eat and sleep in them. (Well, Robert and the kids sleep in it, anyway. I stick to my own beloved bed with a roof over it.) We do this because the Torah tells us to. It helps build our faith; faith in each other and faith in Hashem. If we can eat, live and sleep in these temporary dwellings, we gotta have faith that we will be protected. There are so many opportunities for us to feel Hashem's protection and leadership. (click here for a short film clip, a spiritual look at Succot)

I have a good feeling about this year. What did I pray for? Health (not only for myself and my family, but also for many specific people-- I spoke names so He knew who I meant), faith (such a small word, but so multifaceted), and my own personal desires: preictability and boredom. A year of recovery and building, slowly, what I have lost. Of being with my children, and not spending valuable energy and resources on working with other people's families.

My energies and resources are very fragile. I can feel great when I swim in the mornings, then have lots of pain later in the day. When I get into the pool at the health club, I first do my hydrotherapy for 20 minutes (this is hard work). Then I swim laps, free-style. I am up to 21 laps. After that, a few times I tried the jacuzzi, but it wasn't good for me. It made me weak and my blood pressure shot down. So I'll skip that for now on. So, after I shower and leave there, I feel like a million bucks. Like I can take on the world. Except, I tell myself, "Sarah, don't forget that you just took a Voltaren... your body would be telling you to slow down if not for that. So, sweetie, take it slow".

During the course of the day I'm good. But I constantly feel like I need to sit down... to stop. I am somewhere in between stopping and going. Like, when you're driving, you never know when to run that yellow light or when it's just about to change, and you better stop.

And I still sleep A LOT. A lot a lot. Through most mornings till 10 or 10:30. I would like to change that, but my tiredness is so tremendous, I don't know if I can change it. The migraines come if I don't sleep enough.

So, there is my state of the union for Rosh Hashana the year 5,771.
Summarized like this, perhaps:
  • optimistic
  • solid, vital faith
  • stay-at-home mom, at last
  • medicines: daily brain stuff for the PTSD, Voltaren daily for residual pain, occasional high dose of ibuprofen for headaches, occasional low dose of codeine for headaches that are getting out of hand, one sleeping pill a night.
  • lots and lots of vitamins when I am dedicated enough to take them regularly
  • low-to-mid range energy levels
  • praying that this is the year I'll get out of pain.
Oh, and gratitude. So much gratitude. Enumerable gratitude. I am beginning to understand what it means to be a partner with Hashem. That hand that has saved me so many times... I am reaching out to hold it. I am not a passive receiver, but rather a partner in the process.

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