Saturday, September 4, 2010

Not in a good place (long post)

I want to keep saying I am reaching that new place, that "healed" place. Something like this: Emotional and physical healing, I have found the light. No matter what happens now, I am approaching it from the spiritual wonder-place, and I am OK with handling it.

I'M NOT. Not OK with it all. I'm sorry to disappoint you all. I keep thinking there is supposed to be a natural end to this blog writing, because Sarah and the Zen of NF is well-rounded, and came to a nice, clean resolution. What am I missing???? Acceptance that Hashem makes the decisions? No, I've got that one pretty good. Making changes in my household and in my heart? Um, I think I get that one, too, although saying that sounds brazen, so maybe I don't have that. Things are so right in this house, and my kids are flourishing, baruch Hashem. So, WHAT AM I MISSING?!
I am getting to that "fed up" place that I try not to get to.

I just spent yet another Shabbat in bed. I am SO SICK OF IT ALL. I am still in serious pain here. My gut hurts continually, and I am still taking a sub-par pain medicine, which I cannot run my day without. Even *with* it, I often have to lie down. If I didn't have Robert, I can't imagine where I'd be, or my children, for that matter.

I desperately need to get back to normalcy; to sleep and wake at normal hours, to go to shul on Shabbat (synagogue), and not be the one that everyone sees as different. But I am different. It is nearly impossible for me to have any extended conversation with someone and not share some of what my life has been about. It's just who I am. The other day the lady at the computer fixing place was interested in my doula work. She wanted to immediately refer me to her friend. I told her that I am taking off from working for a while- maybe permanently. She said that it is great that I am doing that for myself, that it is so important to know when to take a break. (She didn't catch the permanent part of what I said) Then, of course, I said, "well, I learned it the hard way. It is not automatic knowledge, to know when to take a break. Sometimes Gd decides when we take a break and we have no say in the matter. That is what this break is about". She was interested in talking more, and I felt comfortable with her naive, kind eyes. I told her I used to operate two demanding careers at once (I told her what they are, and she was surprised/stunned when I said French Horn to her question "what instrument?"), while nursing all my children for over a year, cooking every dinner, and doing every bit of housework. Then I got a crazy illness that sent me into another world, and I slowed down. I stopped, but not enough. I have had to practice the art of stopping. So, I said, "you see that taking a break from working is not often a value that comes naturally". People don't usually stop working because they want to. It is usually because they have to. I am dealing with too many health problems to commit myself to anyone for anything. And too much pain.

Bouncing from one doctor to another, from one surgery to another (this is the one year anniversary of the PVNS surgery... and now we are waiting for the report of my recent MRI. As the days go on, I just want to hear from Prof. M already, get it over with, whatever it is), one pain med to another, one allergic reaction to another, one bacterial infection to another. HOW DID IT COME TO THIS, DEAR GD???

Sometimes I come to the conclusion that I am not "getting it". That Gd's message to me hasn't gotten in and unlocked the true Sarah. That I am still living in a thick-headed fog, and pain is my only contact with reality. It feels that way sometimes, I've had So Much Pain in my body- and soul- these past three years.

I am DONE!!! Hello???!!!! Hear me? I said I'm Done. Leave me to my life, I am doing the best I can.

To that, I'm sure the Maker of the Universe would respond:
"No, Sarah, you're not."


  1. Dear Sarah,
    The answer to "why" is hidden. I send you my fervent wishes for a refuah shlema, positive coping mechanisms and only revealed blessings to flow into your life.

  2. Sarah,
    you are brave
    you are beautiful
    you are strong
    and you have had enough
    I hear that
    I wish I could take it all away
    I send you love and strength
    to keep fighting
    There is a reason you are here
    and you must never forget it

    Love love love,

  3. This Rosh Hashana I am going to feverently ask Hashem to "PLEASE LEAVE SARAH ALONE and give her a Refuah SHELEIMA in body and soul"
    It is the tafkid of Klal Yisrael to work hard to alleviate our people's pain through tefillot and maasim tovim. Maybe each reader of your blog can dedicate one positive change and step towards HaKadosh BaruchHu for the upcoming New Year in your merit.

    Love you Sare!