Monday, October 25, 2010

When pain takes control

I'm getting to the point that I can no longer fake my way through painful days. I need better relief, and I am going a bit mad without it. And I also have a [hopefully unfounded] belief that this pain, these pains from surgeries and nerve problems, this CONSTANT reminder that I am a patient, will never leave me.

Any new pain I get I think another body part is about to bite the dust. Or that an unwanted intruder has made it's home, yet again, in it's host... me. Hashem, please save me from myself. I am crying myself into a corner, quite alone.

You don't know what it's like. Or, maybe you do. I have this whole life that isn't public... the life of a patient. A patient who lost parts of my body to diseasaes. A patient who has been re-wired to put myself into the category of rare and unexpected diseases. They all rear their heads every day in one form of pain or another. I need OUT of feling this. It is sevrely erroding any decent quality of life. I need better medicine. If I don't have the pain, I could stop thinking about it, or rather stop letting it own me.

So when my doctor was stumped as to why I have this apparent kindey pain with no other symptoms, she did a pretty thorough exam. "Bend this way while I press here, now the opposite direction... does this hurt? (Yes!)..." So, I have an ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday morning. If that doesn't show up anything, she will send me for yet another CT scan.

Meantime, sleeping is taking more medicinal effort... I can't lie on my left side for very long because of my problem hip & it's pain (PVNS), and the nerve pain on the surface of my skin all down the thigh (Gapey and all it's cousins). Now the right side is compromised because of this kidney (or whatever it is) pain happening. I am even edgy about the pain when I am supposed to feel the most comforted, in my husband's arms.

I need some solutions. I am still doing the acupuncture, don't yet know if it is helping.
If it doesn't help enough, I need to explore more options for pain control. I just can't go on like this.


  1. Oh, Sarah. I send great big cyber hugs from across the ocean. I feel so badly that you're suffering so right now, and I can't do anything. I do believe you will get through this. Somehow, your body will find it's way to wholeness and you can move on with your life. I honestly believe this -- that G*d will find a way to help you through this.

    Stay strong, keep faith. Keep searching for the answers. Try to allow yourself to relax into your loving husband's arms. What a gift he is for you.

    Hugs, Jackie

  2. thanks, Jackie. Your words are comforting. I love it that when my own faith falters a bit you pick it up where I left off.