Monday, January 10, 2011

What *is* this disease, anyway?

So the thing of it is that I still need to take the pain killers, and don't have guidance as to how to proceed. Now each time I take Advils I worry that I am adding to the damage to my kidneys.

I keep trying to be light-hearted about this new diagnosis, but deep down I am a bit worried. Not that there is any use in worrying, of course. I am still waiting for Dr. D to get back to me about my question about taking the Lyrica. I have started taking it (and not overdosing, wonder-of-wonders). I *think* it is helping my pain. I do take three (or four, depending on the level of pain) Advils on a fairly regular basis, pretty much once a day. Sometimes it's for leg pain in the evenings, and these past few days I've had some pre-migraines that I am trying to tame down.

To look at me you'd never know what I've been through, and am still going through. Today I was talking to a mother of a child in Azriel's kindergarten, and she said to me (like so many people do) "so, that's it, right? It's all over? You are fine now, right?" How do I answer that? I am not likely to say that I still have round-the-clock pain, may have my thigh joint disease returning, and have a kidney problem (there, I said it). No, it's not all over. But it's all so secretive. I mean my body keeps these secrets. Well, there is the pain, my body does give away it's secrets with pain. I am understanding that I can be grateful for pain sometimes, like with regard to my kidneys, because usually this disorder is asymptomatic until total renal failure happens. So I am lucky for that pain, and that we caught it at this stage.

I am looking forward for some more answers about this hardening-of-the-kidneys problem. I need to open a new file in my brain for it. When I had the (mis)diagnosis of the kidney stones, I didn't feel that I needed a file in my brain for it. It was such a normal disorder, in the life of me. But even then, I thought deep in my gut that it wasn't the right diagnosis. The pain was different than people described for kidney stones, and it was consistent, not like strong, sharp pain like kidney stones are sometimes described as feeling. And nothing ever passed.

Now I need to open a "kidney disorder" file in my brain, and I don't have information to put in it yet. I'm getting the referral for the kidney scan from my GP tomorrow, and then I'll make that appointment. In the meantime Robert is going to call our medical Rav for a good nephrologist, and I'll schedule a consult.

Oh, and my MRI for the thigh tumor is next week.

Oh, and Robert is going to the US for 11 days.

Everything comes at the right time.

I can do this.

And I had a *great* swim today, for the first time in two weeks.
Thank God.

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