Tomorrow I have a meeting with a committee from the State (national) health providers to discuss weather I can have a handicapped parking spot marked at my house.
I know it would be inelegant, to be sure. I am in conflict with myself whether or not it is something I need. I just wish the neighbor with his three different vehicles didn't park in front of my driveway. We have spoken to him, to no avail. He knows I have a handicapped parking tag.
As I lie here in bed with my kidney shooting little waves of dull pain, I am reminded that people don't believe that I have been through as much as I have because I look fine. The neighbor sees that I look fine. The committee will see that I look fine, but they will see my documents and letters from specialists. They will do a physical exam and see that my thigh joint doesn't move to the left.
But my limp is now imperceptible, thank Gd. It's there, if you know what you are looking at. But, lots and lots of physical therapy, and healing, and I am walking mostly normally, but with pain. Imperceptible pain. Pain that makes walking distances is not something I can do.
So, I need a reliable parking spot, inelegant or not.
I wish I didn't.
Did I tell you that my pain doctor in Hadassa Ein Karem (Jerusalem hospital) recommended a special orthopedist who has a state-of-the-art procedure to replace synovium and cartilage? He injects some sort of viscus material straight into the joint to help with damaged synovium and cartilage. My doctor said that this procedure could help with my pain & mobility problems. I haven't gotten in touch with him. I am scared of injecting anything into that joint. I think it's dangerous. The possible reactions or backfire is too scary.
Tomorrow I have to go to this committee to prove that I have mobility problems and need a permanent spot. An inelegant permanent spot. That's just how it is.
And to think, once, a long time ago (21 years ago?), I was training to hike Mt. Kilimanjaro In Africa. I had tickets, and I was climbing and running and training for the trip.
I miss hiking. I miss being in perfect health. Yup.
That's just how it is, isn't it.
do it. use it. this is who you are right now. when you have your parking spot marked, you dont have to waste precious time that could be saved for your family. its there and its yours. brocha, v'hatzlocha! rochel.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I guess it's the "this is who you are right now" that gets me down. That is what I think I was trying to express. Sometimes I still don't want to face what is behind needing to get "kitzbat nayadut" (mobility dispensation)... that I had dreams that didn't include all this. I had dreams of hiking mountains, riding bikes with my kids, having stamina, and trusting my healthy body. Sometimes it is still sad to mourn the loss of those dreams.
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