Monday, June 20, 2011

singing the blues


I *don't* want to whine... I don't want to be perceived as whining. I know that my brachot are tremendous. But can I please just say how I really feel these days?

I actually cried the other day about not ever having another baby. I thought I was past that, really. The combination of the accidental home birth that I delivered the baby, and then holding a dear little muffin of a two-month-old the other day just made me yearn. Really yearn, like something died. A hurt, an  a c h e.
I was talking to Robert about it, and he admitted that he feels, sometimes, that there was supposed to be a fifth soul in our family.
Hashem knows what is right for us, and has blessed us beyond measure with our children.
But sometimes... sometimes... I want another baby so much that it hurts my heart.

I am mourning these days, for the life I had without pain.
I have no memory of that feeling.
I will never again be that healthy person with the near-empty medical history sheet.

I started taking Methadone. So far, no negative reaction, no positive action. It'll take a while for it to build up in my system in order to reach maximum dosage. I am following the doctor's plan-- he wrote me a 10-day plan for when to raise the dosage, and then I'll go back and see him on the tenth day. It'll need to be raised another 2cc's at that point to reach the dosage that Dr. Z wants to start at with monitoring whether or not it helps my pain. If yes, then we lower the Lyrica. It's all very scary to me.
You know, I cried with Dr Z... I don't often get people who really understand what it means to live with pain.

I have also started to investigate hypnosis as a way toward pain control.

Look, I'm an NF survivor.
I have lots of nerve pain from that, and from the mesh put in my belly to keep my innards in.
I also have a rare disease in my thigh, and even though I had surgery to remove the diseased part, I am left with pain.
That whole left side hurts, one thing or another, most of the day and into the night.
As far as I know, nothing can be done about it.
(tomorrow I think I'll get the MRI report about it to see if it is growing back)

And the last thing... Robert is going to America on Tuesday for a week. Thank Gd it is for a simcha (celebration), but I'll miss him, physically and emotionally.

I apologize if this seemed whiny. I am not a whiner. In fact, most of the time, people don't even know that I have any pain or troubles at all, by looking at me and talking to me superficially.

It's just mourning. It's healthy, and we all mourn. Communal mourning is better... so here I am being communal with you. :-)


  1. Keeping you in my prayers!
    Hope the hypnosis helps!

    Looking forward to seeing Robert.
    -- Dovid

  2. I for one am so thankful to be able to read your blog , and letting us share in your happy times and hard times. we are all thrilled when you have a good day, and saddened when it's hard. I'm sorry when we can't take the physical pain away, but whoever reads your daily writtings is with you emotionally, cheering you along. keep up your writtings, as its a wonderful outlet, even when things seem gloomy. we all wish you that tomorow will be better. wishing you strenghth for the comming week. rochel.