Monday, July 25, 2011

Medical update, and the power of a dream.

OK, things are looking up, Baruch Hashem.

My right foot is almost 100% healed from the sprain. There's pain with some swelling at nights, but during the days I am pretty good. Testimony that sometimes my body heals quickly and efficiently!

My left side (thigh/hip) is about the same... same amount of pain & inflexibility. I am going to Prof. Meller in two days, Tuesday, for my six month MRI appointment. This is the MRI that said that there is slightly more fluid in my joint compared to last time. While I'm sure that this condition is what is adding to my pain, I'm also pretty sure that he will have nothing much to say about it. What can be done, really... needle aspiration to get the fluid out? Not a great idea for a joint that has had so much damage already. Every procedure on that joint puts it in more danger of other things; infection, for one, and increased pain is always a possibility. But, what if aspirating the fluid out of the joint could relieve my pain? Even temporarily? Well, I'll discuss it with him. I don't feel too optimistic that he'll be able to recommend something in this case. We'll see.

I saw my pain doctor today, Dr. Z. He told me I should send regards to Prof Meller from him. All these fantastic doctors, they all know each other. :-)
Aside from that, I was happy to be able to report to him a much better week. I felt much less like a zombie, and was much more productive. I returned to swimming (after the sprain), and had a good few days that I didn't need to rest in the middle. I got caught up on all the laundry (which was really stressing me out!), cooked, and got errands done.

But the pain in my thigh and my belly from the mesh is still there, taking away my attention from almost every task I endeavor. (I had to excuse myself from a lunch date with a couple of very special women because I was in too much pain. I had been squirming around for an hour, and I couldn't take any more). So Dr Z said to start to raise the dose again. If I feel any heavy drowsiness to call him... it may be to wait it out, or to go back to the lower dose. I am very eager to get to a dose of the Methadone that will be effective for my pain. B'ezrat Hashem.
One of my really awful Meth dreams happened yesterday during a Shabbat afternoon nap. It was especially violent, disturbing, and grisly. I was powerfully shaken by this dream.
When I woke up and did the ritual washing of the hands after a deep slumber, I still felt --polluted--.

I opened a prayer book and read the prayer that one is to say to ameliorate a bad dream. It reverses the intent of the dream. One is to say "I had a good dream. It was positive, and it's elements will be for the positive in the world." (it goes on like that. It's really very deep.)
That helped me a bit, then I started to talk about it with Robert, and he helped me figure out how we can see it for the positive.

I described the dream without any of the gore or hideousness. Robert helped me to see how it may be paralleled to my battle with NF. This is how it went in the dream, and how it can be paralleled.
The numbered text is what was happening in the dream, the italics is the interpretation.
1) I did a good thing that I thought would benefit myself and my family.
got the hernia surgery in order to have another child.
2) Turned out that good thing had a very high price with it that I couldn't have known.
necrotizing fasciitis
3) The bad guys made our lives miserable.
(interestingly enough, the 'us' in the dream is me with another team of people I know-- *not* my family, thank Gd)
that is the grisly horrendous stuff. You will thank me for not detailing that.
It is likely representative of how life was with NF.
4) at risk of life and limb, I and my team killed the bad guys, one by one.
my doctors and I killed the infection, risking life & limb.
5) I was safe, but I knew that others who had done the same thing [at the beginning of the dream] are in the same danger. There were many more bad guys out there. In the dream, I actually saw them out my window doing the same thing, and watched others fall into the trap.
I took it upon myself to keep killing the bad guys (in *awful* ways), and to tell everyone about their hideous scam.
I couldn't make sense out of this part-- 
why would I keep going after and murdering these bad guys, 
and tell everyone about it? After all, we were safe.
Here is where my husband came up with the beauty I needed to hear:
"that is your book, Sarah".


  1. Going after those bad guys repeatedly to help other people, so they can deal with NCF.

  2. the bad dream should turn into a good dream. wishing you a refua shlaima b'karov. rochel.