Thursday, November 17, 2011

Reality check...

nausea. hallucinations. fuzzy vision.
seven more pills of five milligrams each. A few more weeks, and then I'm free from this medicine. It helped me with my PTSD over the years, and it seems nobody taught it how to say goodbye politely.

I allowed myself to take a walk down ambition alley today.
I strongly considered taking a course which would help with my birth preparation course. The course is from January to June, once a week in Jerusalem. I gave it serious thought and said to myself... "when I am done with this weaning I'll be good to go!" I even spoke on the phone with the instructor (who I know) and told her I am seriously considering her course.

Ummmm, yeah. Then I wrote to my trusty friend who I bounce things off of... who happens to also live with me.
Aside from the very difficult coursework demand for the class, my friend gently reminded me about how hard it is for me to have travel days. I forgot that a day of travel like that completely wipes me out for the next day or two. What was I thinking? (answer- I was thinking about being normal and wanting to advance my career. Normal thoughts for a not-so-normal mommy.)

I just want so badly to have regularity again.
But I have to think smaller... like, wake up in the mornings on a regular basis (after the weaning is through).

Know what else my friend reminded me of? My *book*.
Recently I was back in touch with the publisher who wants to see more of my book. I wrote her about what has been happening; mainly that my health has been unstable. I said that I hope soon to stabilize and have time for writing. She told me she looks forward to seeing more of my work, whenever I am ready.
I so want to write!! I think I need regular working hours where I just get down to it.

I feel so discouraged.
It is very, very challenging for me just to get up in the mornings and see my kids off. That is what I really want. But I also want to be available for them when they come home in the afternoons. And to cook meals and take care of their needs through bed time.

I can't do that yet.
But, after this wean is through, please Gd, the patches will keep me out of pain, and things can get back to a normal.
But I can't actually imagine a time that I'll be able to manage it all.

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