Thursday, January 19, 2012

I slept nineteen hours straight.

The pressure has finally gotten to me. The toll has been taken.
I've come to a grinding stop from all the running around I have been doing.
I have been doing the work of a whole, healthy person, and it is breaking me.

It started with a complete and total emotional breakdown at the ultrasound clinic yesterday. The paperwork for my ultrasound wasn't correct, and the attempts to call my health clinic resulted in twice getting disconnected by the automatic menu system. I finally got through and had the proper paperwork faxed, and it turned out that it wasn't the proper paperwork-- it was for a CT, not an ultrasound. (I need the ultrasound of the kidneys for the nephrologist next week). Then I broke. B R O K E.

Huge loud sobs, regardless of the fact that this was a place that one usually wants to be just a normal citizen. I called Robert and sobbed on the phone to him. What came out, over and over, was "I can't take it anymore".

In the meantime, the secretary, apparently feeling sorry for me, called the health clinic and got the proper papers faxed. I was just about to tell her to forget about it, set up another appointment, when lo-and-behold, she had my forms in her hand.

I went through the ultrasound, puffy-eyed and trying hard not to cry again.
I always hate the part where I have to be on my left side, directly on the hip bone, on the hard table, with my legs straight-- it is *THE* absolute worst position I could be in for my hip. That is the position they can most easily see the kidneys.

Well, with that over, I still couldn't go home. I had to go to another place; a place which helps people with disabilities get their benefits. I am in the middle of trying to get us more money from the government for after surgery, so we can pay hired help for longer periods of time. I had to go there with more papers to shuffle. I had to wait about a half hour for the director to call me in.

With that done, I had to rush home in time to interview a woman interested in the job of being our nanny after surgery. I had to put on a happy face and talk when all I wanted to do was go to bed. I wound up sharing my story with her, totally honest and open. I was supposed to be finding out about who *she* is for the job, and she just seemed so open, I just walked right in. I think I was trying to justify why I am looking for help. I mean, you walk into my house, see me, and everything looks  just wonderful! I have turned into a person who likes to tell my story. I pour it out, and feel justified to feel what I feel about my life when I see the shock on people's faces.
She is lovely and I hope she'll come back for a day of "training". I am waiting to hear from her. I hope I didn't scare her away with all the intensity of my life, and of our needs as a family.

When the babysitter for the day finally came, and I could finally go to sleep. I was planning on going to my shuir (Torah class) at that time, but I used the babysitting time instead to sleep. It was the only thing I really needed.

I slept from about 5pm to..... NOON the next day (today).
Yeah, it was all getting to me and took it's toll.

Today I stayed in bed ALL DAY. I am still in pajamas.
I feel slightly sick, like flu-ey, but no fever. I just feel very run-down and have no energy for anything. Robert took care of the kids this afternoon and evening.
I have increased pain in my thigh, both inside the joint and nerve pain going down the outside of my thigh.
Dr Z increased my Lyrica.

Hospital in 11 days.

It's looking like I may not be going to a rehab facility after surgery. The ones covered by insurance require a minimum of a six day hospital stay, and this hospitalization is not going to be more than four days, probably.
To go to a private facility is way out of our budget.
So, I'll come home to my family. Everyone will be happy to have me home.

But I am scared. What am I scared of?
surgery. waking up. pain. (you'd think I am used to it by now, but I don't think one EVER gets used to pain.).
I am also scared of the recovery.
scared that I won't have healthy food. I *need* healthy food.
scared of never getting better.

I saw my results for the blood and urine tests I did last week.
There were some red marks on them, like things were too low or too high. Hemoglobin low, protein low, magnesium quite high (what does that mean? Well, I just put into Google "high Magnesium", and got this. Kidney problems...). I haven't been eating so well as of late... a few months of not having energy to cook and prepare on a daily basis. Then the nose swab came back (needed for hospital stays, checking for traces of MRSA), and it is positive also. I don't know if I'll need antibiotics.

11 days. Today, that feels very scary.

I *know* that this surgery is supposed to fix my hip, but I am having a hard time believing it. It was such good news at first, and then it turned into this thing that I don't believe will help much. I have to go in believing it will help. I don't really know which one is true, so I might as well take the more positive one.

I think it's just the word "Surgery" that makes me go into a depression, never mind that it is for fixing something that needs fixing.
I'm sure you all understand that.


  1. I know it has been a rough road for you. Just focus on how much better you will feel after the surgery. There is light at the end of the (very long) tunnel.
    Edna Oxman

  2. I'm all out of wisdom, but I can quote my five year old, "Mommy, I just want the noodles part, not the yucky part" May you be blessed with no yucky parts.
    Joan Gittel Weiner Levin

    1. Gittel- thanks for your extraordinary blessing. :-) Shabbat Shalom!

  3. Nice to have such a good family!! Reason to pull through, the Dr. is only being used by Hashem and Hashem is in charge if we let him!! Shabbat Shalom!!
    Karen Reuveni

  4. Dear Sarah,
    I feel stunned by the extent of your suffering, and I feel an impulse to offer something that could "fix it," though that seems presumptuous. The feeling of helplessness makes me want to run away. But maybe if you know that I too, among the many who read your blog, am listening to your ongoing story, the knowledge of a friend's presence will be a comfort of some kind. I hope so. Refuah Sheleimah!

  5. I have no amazing words of wisdom, but just pray that this is the last medical procedure you will need to get you a refu'a shleima. shabat shalom and bsorot tovot.

  6. Sarah: I'm sitting here with my fingers on the keyboard, trying to say.... what? I don't know what to say. Hang in there seems too casual. Hugs can't happen overseas. Prayers, yes. Prayers for strength to get through the next 11 days, and then all the ones that will follow the surgery. Continued prayers and thanksgiving that Robert was your chosen mate, to support you in all the ways he does, knowing that all this is hard for him too. But for better and worse, right? I'm grateful you have him.

    For all my inadequate things to say, just know the prayers are always there for you. I think you are amazing and strong and interesting and fun. I wish I knew you "in person".


    1. Thanks so much, Jackie. All your words are great. All of them. I so much appreciate knowing you are there, just showing up is all it takes. :-)
      Thanks, and I wish I knew you "in real
      life", too.

  7. Dear, dear Sarah,
    I’m writing to tell you that I just don’t know what to say. Just sending lots and lots of love.


    1. I think all I need to know is that we are together in this. Your presence is all that is requested. I have been praying a lot... just me & Him, talking things through.
      Just thanks for your loving, steady presence.


  8. Sending Love and Chizuk your way.
    Devorah and Mishpacha, NJ