Monday, January 16, 2012

Plans for healing, or healing plans

Approaching another surgery, I am feeling like a body without a soul.
The doctors only see the body part they are responsible for fixing.

The danger is when I forget to see my soul, also.

For the surgery, as well as for the appointment with the kidney doctor next week, I need an obscene amount of tests.

All I am doing is going to DOCTORS!

I need quiet time before this surgery. The time leading up to the 30th is *packed* with doctors appointments and tests, if not for me than for the kids.

I need to hammer out time for myself, and it has to be away from the house.
It is nearly impossible to get it before the surgery (I go in on the 30th),
so I am thinking about taking it afterward.

There are post-op rehabilitation centers which are subsidized by cupat cholim (Israeli medical system).
I need "free rest". I need meals brought to me at regular intervals during the day, and a doctor/nurse on-call 24/7 to take care of me. I don't yet know for how long.
I feel guilty for wanting this. 

The hospital stay itself is only for about two days, and I know how coming home afterward can be wonderful and stressful at the same time.

I am working on getting a nanny, we don't have one yet.
I need the kids, cooking, and laundry taken care of.

I can't do this!!!

I have had so many surgeries-- Me, Sarah Klein. The one who didn't plan on any of this.
I am pounding the keys on the computer!!! Can you hear how stressful this is?

All these surgeries, all these medical issues, all the appointments with doctors who only see you for the part they are responsible for.

I am not strong enough to handle all this, I want to run away.

I would come back for the surgery, though... I need the doctor to fix my leg.


  1. Really, is there not a reason why you can't go into one doctor and have all the tests ordered? This sounds so frustrating and overwhelming. I can understand why you would like to go to a recovery facility.

    1. Hi Sandra,
      I go to my family doctor health clinic for blood/urine tests. The ultrasound is in another place, the x-rays at yet another place.
      Then next week, also, I have to see the nephrologist (kidneys)-- in the hospital.

      Also let's not forget that I still have four kids to take care of-- Shifra needs an optometrist check, Dov is getting braces put on and he needs *three* different appointments for that. And I'll need to give him a lot of attention because of that-- it'll hurt, he won't like how he'll look, it'll take lots of loving care and patience, which I am so short on these days. I am trying so hard for them.

      It *is* frustrating, tiring, and overwhelming. All of that.

  2. as mothers we nurture our familys to the very top. now, you might have to take a step back and focus on what needs to be done, (your tests, bloodwork), . you really are first priority right now and you might have to put other things on hold or delegate the other appts. that need to be done for the kids. you cannot wear yourself out. recuperation also will take time, you got to give it time. rochel.

    1. It is such a hard line to toe, Rochel. On the one hand, they know I am having surgery soon, and they completely understand all that that entails for me physically and emotionally. I feel Shifra already more clingy in anticipation. I want to give and give now because it's gonna be tough here later. On the other hand, I have to take care of myself. Going into surgery worn-out like a dishrag isn't a good idea, either.
      I will try to pull back a little. This is all so stressful. Maybe if the question in the back of my head would quiet down, I'd be a bit more relaxed... that question being: am I gonna die? How do I deal with that question? I mean for my soul, not my brain...

  3. Get through this, and there is great hope for an improved quality of life afterward. Hang in there, Sarah. I wish I could come help you.
    Hugs, Jackie

  4. XXXOOO sending you lots of hugs.

    Devorah from NJ