Thursday, February 23, 2012

Time's heavy voice, and three wishes.

Are you wondering why I haven't been able to write? I wonder that myself, but I am just taking things one-day-at-a-time. When Robert and I, in some isolated moments, actually look at the big picture, it is just *too big* for us. It is too crazy for us to take in. What has happened here, to me, to us, to our family... it's just too heavy to look at. It's heavy to write about.

I know we will get through this. Of course we will. We are a healthy, loving family, and being together is all that counts.

Robert is awesome. He's a one-of-a-kind. Do you know that he is also stuck in this stuff with me? He has to pick up all the pieces, all of the time (well, maybe not all the time. Thank Gd our guardian angels pick up lots of pieces as well. :-))
I need lots of TLC, and mothering. My mother is very far away, and not is the best health herself. *I* wish I could go there and mother *her* (...them, actually).
Maybe in a few months, we'll see.

Robert has so much to do just to catch up, he isn't able to ever feel ahead of life. He wants things for himself, for his career, and it can't happen. Not now, anyway. I tell him that I look forward to being able to support him through a doctorate. I'd have to be really strong to do that. It means that he'd be gone lots, and studying and writing lots. He wants it very much, and it would be great for him to finally accomplish what he deserves. He'd for sure make more money with it, not to mention feel lots more inner and outer respect.

But time doesn't stop for us, does it. We are all getting older, including the kids, and we feel that life is just passing us by while we are going from surgery to recovery, then another  surgery comes. "Wash-rinse-repeat"... seven times.

My 44th birthday is around the corner.
I got sick when I was 39.

OK, you see why the big picture is so hard?

Recovering from this surgery, this time, has so many emotional elements in it, and time going by at a much heavier, deeper pace.

It is hard to write about the mundane details of recovering. You already can figure out that I am doing physiotherapy for the third time, on the same tired muscles. It is going painfully, and slowly. I wonder if I will ever regain all the movement and freedom in my step, but that is not for me to ponder. I just have to keep doing it. And praying.

I spend lots of time in bed still. Probably too much. I am very, very tired. I keep thinking that I need to get myself up and out more, even just for coffee with a friend (thanks, RT- lets *do* it!). The more time I spend in bed, the more time I'll need to spend in bed-- was there something I heard once that when one is sick, for every day he spends in bed, there is a certain amount of time he will have to put in extra for his recovery?... or something like that.
Whatever. It is what it is.

The kids.... well, lets start with the good side: they are healthy and, in my assessment and prayers, deeply happy. Thank Gd.

The bad side? They aren't sleeping enough-- bedtimes are in flux with the babysitter... she's not experienced enough with strict bedtimes. Ten, ten thirty at night they are often still up. Even 11:00 isn't a fluke. Sometimes they are waiting for Abba to come home. They sleep late in the mornings and are late for school regularly. The schools know what is going on in our home, thankfully. They have each taken a day here and there to stay home. They need it; they need to decompress from all the pressure of having me sick.
I am having to deal with quite serious behavior problems sometimes toward the babysitter.
I am getting tantrums from a child who feels completely disorganized in life. Thankfully I was able to take care of that one by spending an hour on the child's bed helping organization happen.

I have recently been able to cuddle in the children's beds with them. Last week I couldn't do that because I needed my special leg pillow and my own bed or I'd be in too much pain. Last night I made rounds, and cuddled in the bed with two children. A few nights ago I made rounds to all *four*-- that was a great feeling.
Being able to get into their beds with them is a big milestone.

Last night my second son asked me, while I was laying on his pillow next to him, if I had three wishes, what would they be?
I said:
1. My parents would be healthy.
2. I would be completely healthy and never need another surgery.
3. That my kids would always and forever be healthy and at peace.

It surprised us both; all I want is health. For everyone I love.
He said I forgot to ask for money!! :)
For him, his wishes would be:
1. Health for grandma and grandpa and me (I told him those may be separate wishes, but I gave it to him)
2. A machine, which would never break down, that makes any amount of real money any time he wants.
3. a million other wishes.

Pretty smart to ask for other wishes! But when I asked him what he'd to with a million wishes, well, he said "really ima? You can't think of using a million wishes? I'd go swimming at the ocean whenever I wanted, I'd travel anywhere I wanted, I eat all the foods I like, all that stuff!"

He's onto something, isn't he! :)


  1. Thank you for sharing. I love your children. And I love you, too!

  2. we all want you to rest and understand it takes time. Its so normal that things might be a little topsy turvy with bedtime etc. and hrs. and school. we are praying that day to day, hr. to hr. you will feel better. the house is the mommy! refua shlaima! rochel.