Monday, March 26, 2012

"It's either sadness or euphoria" (a Billy Joel song)

Man this is all so emotional. When my mother's medical situation is looking up for a few days, we are wooed into thinking "OK, we just go from here onward". But it's not that way; When in life *is* it really? She has good days, bad days, stable days. Last week my mother had some days that were so optimistic, even one of the doctors, our favorite neurologist, called our house in the morning to tell us how responsive my mother was that morning. The neurologist was so excited, she *had* to call us and sweep us up in the revelry.

I think that was the day that when I went close to my mother and said "I love you", she mouthed "I love you, Sarah" back to me. I'm saving that precious gem in my pocket. Hopefully it'll help get through the not-so-great days, when my mother needs more support from the ventilator, and is less responsive and more asleep. 

We feel exaggerated triumphs and then discouraging, tearful times, often on the same day.
There are neighbors, cousins, clergy from their synagogue, and immediate family coming in and out during the days. Lots of different personalities to navigate in the span of six hours or so. That is how much time we (my father and I) are usually spending in the hospital with my mom. It has been very intense.

I have a similar feeling of triumph when I got myself completely off of crutches for the first time, last Thursday. Of course, Friday I overdid it, and Shabbat the pain came back stronger. It looks like I'll have to do half a day of crutches, half not. Any time without them is time well earned!! It is *such* a relief to be able to walk with my body free of apparatus. Slowly, slowly there is progress.

I am just too tired to continue writing at this point. I went out this evening getting last minute stuff and presents for the children, on top of the hospital time, and I am completely wiped out.

More when I can. Most likely before I leave... Oy, leaving. Leaving my mother in the critical care unit, leaving my father at home, sad. How am I going to be able to do that. But, I need my family! I lay awake at night imagining the children's voices. My eyes need to drink in their smiles, and I miss hugging them so much that it is actually like a sensory deprivation. So I have to go. And Pesach (Passover) is coming.
It really does tear one apart living so far from ailing parents. 
Completely tear. one. apart.

Goodnight. Thank you all for your davening, prayers, well-wishes, etc. It means so much to us! Keep it up!!!


  1. Sending you huge hugs, חזקי ואמצי

  2. wishing you and your dear family all the best and a complete refua for your mom and yourself. it really must be hard to leave your mom and dad. rochel.

  3. Thinking of you and keeping your mom in our prayers!

    Love, Miriam