Friday, March 23, 2012

My Dad and I sat on a bench at the duck pond today, in the sun. Lovely.

I hear the familiar gait of my father clomping around downstairs with his cane. It is almost 1am here, and like usual, he can't sleep. He has hardly slept at all since my mother got sick. I hear him clomping around on his arthritis-ridden hip and his cane. If I hear him, and I am writing at this hour, it is reasonable to assume that I am awake, too. Today my mother looked so much better, thank Gd. I cleaned off all the tape/glue residue that was left on her face. I told her that I have a warm water washcloth that I am going to put on her face to clean up the glue, and she nodded a faint yes.

She sleeps a lot. 
Suspension of consciousness.

My secret prayer is not very sophisticated. "Mommy, please wake-up"

Today when I put my head really near her and said softly "mommy", she mouthed "Sarah". That was precious. And she did smile her sleepy smile when she heard the children's voices while Skyping in her room. She even opened her eyes for a split second, but her lids were too heavy to keep up. The kids all requested to see her, so I aimed this little computer camera on her face. They were happy to connect a bit with grandma, and with my reality. It was quite positive. The nurses were floored by the whole scene-- tiny laptop with the faces of my animated children in Israel going in and out of focus, me talking to them with motherly-type things (it was their bedtime, but afternoon here), and the whole thing completely wireless. Love that.

I am worried about leaving my father. He's gonna be lonely. He'll go to her hospital room (where he gets healthy, plentiful meals all day), and have nobody with him to fill the void and sadness. His wife of 54 years is here and gone at the same time.

Meanwhile... I'm lost, in the most familiar place on earth- my childhood room.
(although I really never did like the wallpaper.:)
I need my husband's comfort, and my children's love.
I honestly feel a little lost and ungrounded, suspended between here and there.

On a positive note:
I am mostly walking without crutches now! I do limp, it still hurts, but I can walk on it. 
Even in crisis, healing still can find it's way. I think healing will always find it's way.

Do I think that?
DO I think that healing will always find it's way?
I guess there can be more than one definition to healing?

My sleeping mother.
I know she hears everything I say, it is clear to me.
Whether or not it is retained is unknown.
She is my mom, but I want her to mother.
Am I an uncaring daughter to imply that I want my mom to mother?
Well, I do. Truth doesn't always fit with reality.

I am leaving in five more days; Tuesday leaving the US, Wed arriving in Israel. This health stuff is so uncertain, I could change my ticket if something compelled me to do so. On the other hand, I, myself, need a bit of medical attention. Nothing too serious, but nonetheless.
And I desperately need my family. I need to feel my kids bodies hug me tight, and see my husband's smile and the glint in his eye when he looks at me.

In the meantime, Shabbat Shalom! I am looking forward to a restful Shabbat. A wonderful childhood friend cooked all the Shabbat food for us! Amazing. The brachot are everywhere, even in adversity. 
Thank you, A.L.!

*And one big exclamatory Baruch Hashem*


  1. Sending you many hugs - may you have a peaceful Shabbat and a Chodesh tov. Love, Bracha

  2. Have a peaceful shabbat. Everything is fine here.

  3. So glad your mom is doing a little better! Love Jolie Thanks for posting. xoxoox

    1. thanks! I am so happy, too. Today she is *even* better!! She has more waking times, and is mouthing more words. I said "I love you" to her, and she mouthed "I love you Sarah" back!! I cried and flumped down on her shoulder. I thanked her. She raised a hand to touch my arm!!!!! I am simply astounded and grateful to Hashem. I eagerly await the next baby steps. B'eH.
      Shabbat Shalom & Chodesh tov!

  4. Hi, Sarah,

    Its motzei Shabbat here, and we saw your lovely kids today at lunch. Azriel is such a trip! He insisted on drinking decaf coffee spoonful by spoonful with these big slurps. And they all played well together.

    So good to hear that your mom is doing better. We wish you another easy few days until you are back home.

    Love, Miriam

  5. shavua tov! wishing you a very good week with your mom having a complete refua. rochel.

  6. shavua tov Sarah! Chazak v'amatz... May you continue to bring love, healing and light wherever you go... I think its fabulous that you got a response from your mother in spite of everything... Glad to hear your own walking is improved.
    Best of luck to you at this incredibly difficult
    Rooting for ya,