Wednesday, April 11, 2012

life is: good, sad, and painful. But always blessed.

I have been keeping atrocious hours. It's now 4am. I have not been to sleep yet. I have been up at this time many times in the past few weeks. I can't seem to shake it; I need a plan that will get me into bed at the right times. Perhaps I'd heal better, as well...........

We went to the beach today!
Azriel building a sand castle moat (with Robert, not seen here...)

It was wonderful. The ocean always does wonders for my soul. I helps me breathe. The minute I smell ocean water I feel at home. The water was c-o-l-d, though! The kids went in, Robert went in, I waded but was too chicken to go all the way in.

We had a great seder for Pesach. It was intimate- just us and Robert's cousin- and therefore we could focus on the children. They asked insightful questions. Azriel, who is only 6, asked such interesting and intelligent questions, Baruch Hashem. After a few glasses of wine, we had some good laughs, also. I went straight for the wine for all four cups. No grape juice for me. I had heard that wine mixes well with Fentanyl (my patch pain medicine) and I had to test the theory. It does. :-)

We have various children's sleep-overs and outings planned for the rest of chol ha-moed (the intermediate days during the eight days of Passover). The kids are happy, Baruch Hashem.

No change with my mom's health. Truthfully that is one of the reasons I have been staying up late, so I can call my father after his day with her at the hospital. The seven hour difference is a kicker. I call him at 3:30am or so (my time), then I am up for a while thereafter, being sad. We talk as close to every day as possible. I wish I could go there again to help him out and be there with mom. Well, this is where I have to be, here in Israel with my family.

I have dreams about my mom very frequently. I have been going over in my head history... history about my mother and I, and in general about her. Seeing her baking in the kitchen, us having conversations in the car coming or going places, shopping together, standing up in the kitchen talking with her while she cooks meals for us. The same stuff most people build every-day sort of memories with, but these are with *my* mom- the one who raised three children and is married for 54 years. I wish I could tell the doctors that. It seems that the doctors basically have given up that things will change with her. She is now considered 'unable to wean from the ventilator', and they are talking about moving her out of the hospital to a facility. We'll need lots of investigation before a decision about *where* can be arrived at. She still needs constant antibiotics, of course. The infections are merely at bay, ready to spring out at any moment without antibiotics. This is the same condition she was in when I left her two weeks ago.

Please don't any of you loose hope. Gd forbid. She is alive, and who are we to say that a miracle can't happen? Her name is Tova bat Sheindl. {thank you.}

In the meantime I have started telling people to take me off their prayer lists (mishabeyrach lists). I am no longer in real danger, and I am healing slowly but surely, thank Gd.

As I say that I am healing well, I also know that recently there has been some sort of setback. I am using the crutches again because of the pain. It seems the pain from the surgery is stronger than it has been the last two weeks or so. That can be due to many factors, I am sure some of them I am not even aware of. It can be due to the hip cartilage and tissues are doing another rearranging act and it is a good step forward but hurts while it is happening. Or, possibly my pain medicine is being less effective. I actually believe that is more the case- the latter statement about the pain medicine. I have noticed that the medicine in the patches (Fentanyl) feel less potent overall. I no longer get a little 'buzz' with a new patch. I have also noticed that if I leave an old patch on while I have just put the new one on, though I usually have a four hour overlap, if I forget and leave it on all night, I am totally out of pain in the morning. One would expect that perhaps I would feel a bit of an overdose, and that used to happen, but now I just see that I am out of pain completely.

It is the normal course for a narcotic to loose it's potency, then you have to keep going up & up on it in order for it to work. I think I am at that crossroad, where it seems I'd have to add a higher dose. But I don't think it's a good idea. We want the trend since this surgery to be *going down* from the meds. Even if I have more pain, lets see if I can tolerate it, knowing it is healing.

I think it's good, in this case, to feel the pain more. I just had surgery which the surgeon told me the healing would be 3-6 months. Now it is still less than three months, and I am trying to predominantly be without the crutches. If the pain meds are less efficient, and the result is that I am back on the crutches, maybe that is a message to me about where I am with my healing from the surgery in general. It is one thing to try to cover chronic pain which seems to have no solution, like this used to be with me. Now, though, we are trying to heal from surgery that was to *fix* the problem that causes the pain, so maybe pain meds should be used differently for this? I dunno-- musings from me at 4:30am.

goodnight. I *gotta* get my sleeping hours straightened out. Any advice welcome.


  1. Sleep advice from Warren Zevon: "Well, I take this medicine as prescribed
    I'll sleep when I'm dead
    It don't matter if I get a little tired
    I'll sleep when I'm dead"

  2. Sorry to hear Sarah that there is no change in your mom she and your family are in my thoughts!!

  3. A complete and painless healing! may Ha- Shem strenghen your Mom!!

  4. wishing you and your family a chag samaech! refua shleima for your mom , she is in our tefillot. rochel.

  5. Think about you often, spoke to your Dad last night, I know it is soooo hard, wish you some peace (I still don't have any myself and still don't sleep so I know exactly how you feel) I hope you are feeling better and are on the road to recovery finally.
    It was so good to see you, wish it were different circumstances and in a better place but it was still good. Happy Passover and try to take it easy.
    Love, Lois

  6. Lots of Love Sare, to you and your mishpacha. Love the picture of Azriel. Tova bat Sheindl is in my tefilot. Sounds like a wonderful Pesach, even with all of the challenges. XXXOOO Dev from NJ

  7. Your mother will continue to be in my prayers and I too believe in hope. Doctors are often surprised by patients' unexpected recovery. I hope that this will be another one of those occurances. Refuah shleimah!