Monday, July 2, 2012

The big hurts are so hard to heal.

Waiting... in pain... taking larger amounts of narcotic pain relief (pain 'reducer' is more accurate)...
Hopefully the results of that CT will come in soon-- my doctor said she'd try to move it along.
This new "thing" hurts, rather sharply and debilitatingly. I think you got that point.

Today, my conversation with my mom (who is still in the nursing home, can't yet walk, trying to regain the pieces of her which were lost to oxygen deprivation to the brain):

after some talk about the children's doings,
and about the family:

Mom: So how are you, my doll?
Me: I'm really OK, mom. Still dealing with some health issues, but I'm ok.
mom: You have mentioned health issues before. You have health issues? What is wrong?
Me (stomach sinking): well, you know, things have been rough for the past few years. You know that, right?
mom: well, I don't know... go on...
me (face turning hot, ready for tears): Wow. You don't remember anything about my illnesses and complications over the past five years? mom, do you remember being here five years ago, in 2007, and I was really, really sick?
mom: no, what happened (sounding slightly alarmed)
me: well, I had a very bad bacteria, and I almost died. You came to be with me.
mom: Oh My Gd, where did this happen?
me (crying silently): here in Israel, Be'er Sheva, where I live, in Soroka hospital.
mom: mm- hmmm....?
me: well, since then lots of things haven't been right.
mom: What things, Sarah?? (alarmed again)
me: well, more illnesses, many surgeries.
mom (sounding dejected and sad): what were the surgeries on?
me: well, the recent few have been on my thigh joint.
mom: Your thigh? Can you walk? Do you have pain?
me: Yes, I can certainly walk. I do take pain medicine regularly, and I do have pain recently that is stronger than usual.
mom: oh, Sarah! Oh, Sarah. You need to see a doctor about that.
. . .

I miss my mom so much.
Sometimes I just want to go to the airport, and
get on the first plane out.
But I stay home.
Today I painted with Azriel for two hours.

(my father has come out of his hip replacement surgery very well, thank Gd, and is in good spirits, and is very optimistic! He sounds great, and is looking forward to soon being moved to my mother's nursing home, in the same room with her, for his rehabilitation.)


  1. Oh Sarah, we are here to listen, but can't take the place of your mom. Hope she regains more of her faculties, and can be there to kiss it all better - otherwise, for now, you can have second-best - your friends to listen and kiss it better. Hugs and kisses.

  2. thank you so much Bracha. That *does* help. It really does. Love to you and M.

  3. oh, Sarah, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. i cannot even imagine how painful it must be for you. and pain that doesn't heal with medication. xoxoxo

  4. I hug you and I love you.

  5. sigh. kind of like dealing with a parent with alzheimer's...

  6. At least your father has finally got the treatment that he needed.