As my therapist of 4 years tells me that we are going to have to go to meeting every three weeks instead of two, like we have been doing the past year, a different door is opened for me to work with a wonderful, special woman, delving into the work I need to do in order to release my body from the grips of pain. I am not saying that I now expect the pain to vanish if I do enough emotional work, I mean that I am learning how to release myself from the GRIP of chronic pain. Just to accept it and accept the range of emotions around it, but not let it hold onto me. Easier said than done, but today while working with her, I caught a glimpse of what that might feel like. This is the woman who is an hour drive from me, who I previously called an 'energy healer', but now I call her a friend. She does not want to be called a healer; that is a term which is reserved only for The Master Of The Universe.
By checking in with which parts of your body feel good, and which do not feel good, she teaches how to allow the body to "talk" and say what it needs to say about the pain or discomfort.
Today produced some AMAZING insights. It is just so tremendous to listen to your body, and go with the associations, and learn where it brings you emotionally.
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...that was yesterday. I needed badly to go to sleep, and couldn't finish writing. I am back now, Wednesday, exhausted already, and it is not even time yet to get the kids from school. Traveling like yesterday always wears me out, but it is so good for me when I have sessions with this friend (initials MM for now on...) that it is purely worth it. The tears that come for almost the entire duration of the session (hour and a half or so) are cleansing. It is an exhausting process, but it physically, palpably, clears me out and releases me.
I just wish I could rest today. At least I had a slow morning. First one in a long time where I made a conscious decision not to do any errands, just stay at home until I have to go get the kids (in less than an hour).
Since I feel that the content of the session was very private, I won't go into it.
Just a brief update about my health, and the hurricane.
First, the hurricane. Thank Gd my family is fine. They all weathered the storm with little or no electricity loss or property damage. I was so worried, especially about my parents. The room my mother's hospital bed is in is our den, and it has two walls of upper and lower windows and a back door. My mother was frightened, and understandably so. I am so grateful that everyone is fine, and the house suffered no damage. Their power went out for only a few minutes. My brother is stuck in Manhattan with no public transportation of any sort, but also no property damage or electricity outages. He is not in the area of Manhattan that got hit HARD. Thank Gd!
Yesterday I couldn't get through at all to anyone in the New York area, all the lines were jammed. I'll try again tonight, hopefully.
A brief medical update:
I am changing meds again. The nerve pain medicine I was on- the Amitriptyline- was causing me migraines or regular headaches, almost on a daily basis. It started when I was in New York last month, but I took a long time to do anything about it. Recently it was also not covering the pain enough. I was having significant breakthrough pain, and couldn't increase the dose because of the headaches, and also the depression it was causing me.
When I told Dr. Z about it on Monday, he said of course we need to change the medicine. Why did I wait so long, he asked...
He changed me to a medicine called "Depalept" or something like that- I don't know how to pronounce the name in Hebrew- "דפלפט". Actually it was Robert who did some research for me and came up with this medicine possibility. He Googled "nerve pain and migraines". Awesome husband. :)
When I showed the print-out to Dr. Z, he said "yes, we can try that". He had been planning to put me on another medicine in the tricyclic family, a cousin to Amitriptyline.
This new one is in the Lyrica family; an anti-epileptic which has a side effect of helping nerve pain. I now am in the process of going off the Amitriptyline and going up on the dosage of the new one. I hate these transitions. At this point, I don't have enough nerve pain coverage at all, and I am suffering more. I am in the space of not knowing what side effects I may have to deal with, and going through withdrawal of the previous medicine. It is not as simple as it seems... "switching medicines"- it is a whole huge body changing process.
I told Dr. Z that I really have such a hard time with these transitions, and I wish we could find something that I can stick with for the rest of my life.
He said "of course you feel that. I understand completely."
He left it at that.
We don't make these choices, do we.
MRI next week. We get to see what all this narcotic medicine (the Fentanyl) is covering up for me. I may have some important and difficult decisions to make.
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