Thursday, October 18, 2012

Total overload- never a dull moment. I would really appreciate some dull moments.

Whoa. system OVERLOAD yesterday. I am in bed with physical and emotional symptoms of PTSD coupled with exhaustion.

(Mariam M.- before you read on- I first want you to know that the PTSD is *not* from our meeting at all. I continue to feel wonderful and cathartic about that. I don't want you to even have one paragraph of reading with worry that it is about you or our meeting. :))

Yesterday (Wednesday) started out with peace. And serenity.
I had a meeting with the woman who I have chosen to work with regarding energy healing- both physical and emotional. I had a few wonderful breakthroughs in my negative thinking. That alone can heal wounds. It is so clear to me that this is a woman I want to work with. She helped bring me closer to Torah and it's Creator, Hashem. My wounded world fused together with holiness. I was able to release myself from the negative thought that anything that has happened to me, either in my present or my past, is in any way meant to be looked upon as punishment. I don't really feel I can write lots about it at the moment because I am having a very hard day. I will [hopefully] write more about the meeting when I am in a better space. I will just close by saying that it lifted me to the world of happiness, of gratitude, and of blessing.

Getting to the meeting was an hour drive each way, and the round trip went perfectly with no hitches.

My schedule yesterday was filled for the rest of the day. When I returned from that meeting, I needed to pick up two kids at the same time from two different schools on opposite sides of the city.

First I picked up Shifra. Fine. We were both in good moods, and everything was fine.

Then, on my way to pick up Azriel, I got into a small car accident. I am fine, Shifra is fine, even our *car* is fine, but the other car had his side mirror knocked off from coming too close to me, driving beside me.

OK, stuff happens. We know that.
But then the guy went PSYCHOTIC on me. It was so horrendous. He literally terrorized me when I wasn't ready to admit that I was at fault. I gave him my information, he had all he needed, but he would not give me back my insurance/registration until he finished calling it in to somebody. He was yelling and accusatory and so incredibly abusive, I was in a complete state of shock. I called Robert at the same time we were stopped there at the side of the road. He told me to call the police. I told him to call Azriel's school because I was so late at this point.

I was about to call the police. I was crying and hyperventilating, and had Shifra crying in the back seat. Literally, I was hyperventilating. Heaving. Horrendous.

Psycho decided to give me my things back when he got off the phone, so I didn't call the police. I just raised the window and drove away from him, still heaving with breathless crying. I have no recollection of what Shifra was saying, or if she was still crying. I can barely remember driving the rest of the way to Azriel's school.


I got there, and there was my little first grader, crying, thinking he was forgotten. Apparently Robert couldn't get a hold of anyone in the school office, so he had no idea.

He got into the car, crying, and I was crying, and so was Shifra. A lovely scene.
I quickly told him that I got into a car accident and that is why I am late. I told him that the entire time I had to be stopped on the side of the road, I was *only* thinking about being late to get him, and that I was worried he'd be upset. I asked him to give me a few minutes to get myself together. I was just so relieved to be in that parking lot and having him in the car already, I let go of the pent-up trauma.

If you thought that heaving uncontrollable hyperventilating sobs was bad, what came thereafter was pure survival instinct. I had my babies with me, so I felt safe.
I started to shake and cry so loudly that anyone in a radius around us would hear. My children were silent. Oh, wait, I think Shifra explained to Azriel that the guy was a bad man, and he scared us both. But for the most part, I know they were just totally silent waiting for me to come back to the world and be their mother.

It must have taken about 15 or 20 minutes. I finally drank some water, with hands shaking so hard I could barely drink without spilling.

I got it together enough to drive away. I was still slightly dizzy from hyperventilating, and I had already decided on a nearby stopping-area if I felt that driving wasn't a good thing to do in my condition. I even had a fleeting notion that I may actually need a hospital to be treated for shock, I was that out of control and traumatized. Thankfully my "other self" talked me out of that. Love that ongoing inner dialogue.

When we got close to home, the children asked me to stop at a park so they could play a bit. I happily agreed, and, in fact, had that same thought myself, just minutes before they asked. It was as if they were reading my mind. It was time to get out the tensions.

Once at the park, we played a bit. I was just starting to loosen up a bit, when a drunken teen walked over to us. Worse timing couldn't even be dreamed up. The teen started spluttering out questions to me (of course starting by asking me what time it is), and I saw the fear in my children's eyes. I gathered them up and headed toward our parked car, and he followed a bit, saying things, then finally he walked away.

I was just dying to be safe in my home.
So were they at that point.
I still couldn't talk, and was still a bit light-headed from the dizziness.
Our child-minder came shortly thereafter, thank Gd. I decided to have her make up a pot of lentil soup. Then it was time to turn around and take Shifra to ballet. She had gotten ready without me telling her... pretty pink leotard and hair in a pink-knitted-net-bun. Gd bless her.

Delivering her safely to ballet, I then had a moment to breathe and have a phone conversation with Robert. Since Ballet is only an hour lesson, I decided to stay and wait for her rather than go home and back again. The sitter was at home and things were under control.

OK. The rest of the evening was wayyyyyyy too busy for my jangled nerves, but I made it through. I was in-and-out of the car, driving all day, until 9pm. Oh, I want to add also that while on my way to the bus station to pick up Robert from work, I was stopped at a stop light, and I heard yelling. I looked around, and saw a man on the sidewalk, his bike perched next to him, literally screaming into his cell phone, fully gesticulating. Screaming angry, harsh things. He was screaming in Hebrew, of course, and it was all in feminine form, indicating he was screaming at a woman.

Anger sets off my PTSD so strongly. It is so frightening to be somehow involved with other people's anger, you know? This guy on the phone screaming at a woman was so shocking to me, after already having been through the ringer with another person's anger the same day.

Picked up Robert, got us safely home.

I then had to go back out after an hour to bring my friend her dog. She took a trip to America and we were taking care of her dog while she was gone. I didn't want Robert to do it; I really felt that I should. She is my friend, and also that Robert was the one who originally picked up the dog when we first got her.

With that mission accomplished, and with swollen eyes and puffy face, I retired to my bedroom.

I forgot to mention that the meeting I had in the morning with the woman who is a healer-through-Torah (I just made that up, Miriam- do you like it?) was very, very emotional. I got to very deep emotions which had to come up. I cried lots while I was there, but it was cathartic, not at all traumatic.

I am just saying that to put it all in perspective...
Intense deep emotional crying for a few hours in the morning,
car accident with psychotic man in afternoon- crying and hyperventilation, which lasted a few hours,
then six more trips within the city before the day was over. (to-and-from ballet, to-and-from picking up Robert, to-and-from bring my friend's dog back to her.)

Remarkably, on the very bright side, no migraine.
For me, that day is an exact formula for an intense migraine.
I have been doing reflexology sessions to try to stave off the migraines. (Jeff- maybe it's working? If so, you are a miracle worker. :)

So, a tally: round trip an hour each way, then the three-ways picking up the kids, car accident with psycho man, stopping at park, then going home, and SIX round-trips within the city thereafter.
Invasive people: three- one psycho, one poor drunken teen, one bicycling screaming woman-hater.

=
Put Sarah to bed, stay there all the next day, sleep it off.
And here, in my bed, I remain.

(I have a trip to Jerusalem planned for tomorrow to see some very special cousins who are returning to the states soon,
 but I may cancel that, not sure yet.)

7 comments :

  1. Oh, Sarah. Too much, too much. I don't normally think in these terms, but the first thought that came to my mind was the d*vil. I'm not sure I believe this, but I've read in different places that when you are becoming more "holy" then the d*vil will step up his attacks on you to distract you and discourage you. I don't know if the Jewish faith has the same type of belief in the d*vil that Christians do (well, some Christians anyway). And like I said, intellectually I find it hard to believe, yet somewhere inside me I wonder if it's true. It certainly seems to fit this situation, where you had a such a wonderful holy morning (even with the emotional side of it), and then was attacked from so many sides the rest of the day.

    G*d bless you and your children and family. May you have more and more peace, and less and less strife.

    Hugs, Jackie

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  2. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that trauma, Sarah, can only imagine how torn up if had to leave you--even more so than you reported, probably. Wish (again, as so many times) I could be there to give you a hug.

    But not getting a migraine was only one bright thing. Another was the fact that in spite of everything, you were able to function well enough to do the other things you needed to do during the day. How many of us, me included, would have given in to the temptation to crawl into bed, pull a blanket over our head, and just hibernate, shaking, for the rest of the day? You were so much better than that. Kol ha k'vod. Second, when you were in the playground and accosted by the drunken teen, you had the presence of mind to get your kids out of there. You were still capable to be the protective mother instead of giving in to panic--and that would have been an understandable reaction. And earlier, when you picked up Azriel, in spite of your level of upset, you were able to comfort him, tell him in so many words that you were concerned for him. You did that first, and only then did you allow yourself to have a meltdown. But even with the meltdown, you did it in controlled conditions and while they saw you cry, they also saw you pull yourself together. That was an important lesson from a very loving parent and from a positive role model. The example of that was how Shifr, even through her own tears, was able to tell Azriel what happened in what sounded to me like an obvious effort to comfort him, even though she was also distressed. Great kids! The thing that so often occurs to me is what a good wife and mother you are--what a good human being you are--in the midst of all the trauma and pain. There are some things you can't control--like the fact that you've had so many physical problems, like the anger you saw in other people yesterday; but there are things you can control, too--like how you react, how you protect yourself and your kids. And, realize it or not, you did a magnificent job at those things yesterday. When you can sit back and take a good look at things, I hope you'll be proud of you.

    Love,
    Mardi

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  3. sounds like you already came through with flying colors - hugs

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  4. Darlene wrote: "You put in amazing positive energy among all the negative energy that was thrown at you! That, my dear friend, is a big hunk of strength! May you continue to have such strength. And may your positive energy which you gave to your family (park, chauffeuring)and friends (returning dog) come back to you tenfold with days filled with love, kindness, patience, and happy events with others. Seeing your cousins could be one of those amazing days. Sending you love and a big hug (and an e-mail.)

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  5. There's not much I can add to what Mardi said. After doing the healing work in the morning, your emotions were nearer the surface than is usual. You were more "open" to any/all events that could trigger an emotional response. You did well throughout it all. You know where to come for hugs and coffee.

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  6. Sarah, I couldn't say it any better than your insightful friends above. I hope you're feeling better.

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  7. Oh, Sarah. Too much, too much. I don't normally think in these terms, but the first thought that came to my mind was the d*vil. I'm not sure I believe this, but I've read in different places that when you are becoming more "holy" then the d*vil will step up his attacks on you to distract you and discourage you. I don't know if the Jewish faith has the same type of belief in the d*vil that Christians do (well, some Christians anyway). And like I said, intellectually I find it hard to believe, yet somewhere inside me I wonder if it's true. It certainly seems to fit this situation, where you had a such a wonderful holy morning (even with the emotional side of it), and then was attacked from so many sides the rest of the day.

    G*d bless you and your children and family. May you have more and more peace, and less and less strife.

    ReplyDelete