Sunday, December 9, 2012


Desperation has dissipated, fear is still present, although I try to chase it away with faith. It's a constant challenge- to push away fear with faith. But a challenge worth taking on.

My plumbing is healing, although it still feels like I got punched in the stomach. My muscles were violently attacked, and almost a week later I still feel it. Gapey suffered lots during the onslaught. The intestines are right there, fused with the the skin graft. I felt everything as if it were not protected at all. It has become another trauma to hurdle over.

In the meantime I am working on a gentler way to get my system working. I spoke with my pain doctor, Dr. Z, and he had a few suggestions. None of them, however, included changing the medicines that, when combined, cause this type of intestinal paralysis. He doesn't want to change what works. I don't either; this is the first combination in a long time which works well against the pain. The side effects like the one I am talking about now, as well as the swollen glands, are pretty hard to live with. The swollen glands are painful. I am going to "stay the course" though (thanks, George). I wish there were better solutions, but keeping trying more drugs is such a difficult process.

I now have to get on the job of getting the test I need for the orthopedist appointment coming up. In fact, I may have to put off the appointment if I can't get it done soon enough.
Remember I said I needed another MRI? Well, it turns out that what the orthopedist (Dr. Rath) ordered is an MRA. Here is the Wikipedia on that. I'm not sure, after reading the article, what he is hoping to see in my hip that will help him diagnose the problem, but I am assuming he knows.
Turns out there is only *one* place in Israel which does this test: at Ichilov hospital. So interesting because that is the hospital where most of my doctors are, and it is the only place in Israel which has an orthopedic oncology clinic as well, where I am a patient. I wonder why that hospital is so equipped with the- must be?- unusual stuff. Anyway, that test means yet another trip to Tel Aviv. Drag. I wonder if with this MRA, I will have to get the shot of the contrast fluid straight into the joint?  Anyway, I have to schedule that.

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I want to share with you an extremely inspirational interview I read this evening. It was sent to me by Shulamit, the "medical coach" who I have mentioned on this blog before. So much of it resonates with me and my issues with medical crises, faith, and philosophy. And birth; the woman being interviewed is a midwife.When you get a chance, please go to it and spend some time listening; you won't be sorry.

Tami Simon "insights at the edge" Marion Woodman 2000

The letter I wrote back to Shulamit is this:

This is a truly *amazing* person, a truly amazing work. I read it twice, it is so intense for me. I related to so many of the thoughts, feelings, and spiritual teachings. This is a woman who could be my hero. Thank you so much for bringing this hero to my computer, to my eyes, to my soul.
This part made me relate to it as if she is talking about my life:

I have such a strong willpower that sometimes only sickness will stop me, and then I just feel God taking me by the seat of the pants, by the back of the neck, and saying, “Marion, not there, here. And go that way.”

So I’m used to being pulled out of a situation against my will, because once I’m in a situation that I love, I don’t want to leave. But in my life, I tended to get into a box eventually that was too small for me, and I would have stayed there if something hadn’t pushed me out. And it was all God that pushed me out, of course.

But I had to break out in order to find what the new path was. So I felt the same way about cancer. I loved my profession. I loved being a Jungian analyst. I loved working at the office, and had no intention of leaving. But then things began to happen and my intuition became quite frightened.
The opening quote says: 
"I have such a strong willpower that sometimes only sickness will stop me."
For me [Sarah], I had tendered my resignation from the orchestra two weeks before I got sick with NF. I resigned saying I would finish out the season, play until the following August. It was Pesach [Passover holiday] when I gave in this letter of resignation. Like Marion, who printed the cards saying she was leaving by a certain time, and was out much earlier than that, I was out a mere two weeks later. I never knew that I wouldn't have an orchestra job ever again, that it was no longer right for me. G*d decided that, certainly not me.

Like Marion says, "it was all G*d that pushed me out, not me".
I totally felt PUSHED... this time from the front- I was going too fast and overlooking what was important on the way.

When I made Aliyah in '95, that was a time I felt pushed also, but from behind. That Hashem was literally behind me giving me everything I could possibly need to go to Israel and stay here. Pushed like I almost didn't have to use any muscles.

The kind of pushing that landed me in a coma was from the front, it was trying to slow me down, and I lost use of my brakes. It is much harder to stop a person, than to put wind under his wings to make him go.

I recently have been feeling much closer to writing my book. It's coming toward me to catch.


  1. First of all, the link seems to have been changed. I succeeded with this one:
    very very interesting! and inspirational! So great that you are making contact with such a community of developing souls!

    1. 0Thanks, Hanna. Yeah, something didn't work with that link, so I put your on, and it was the same one I had been looking for. Thanks!
      Yes, indeed very inspirational.

  2. What a positive way to look at your situation. Happy Chanukah.