Wednesday, December 5, 2012

28 hours in hell, and the challenge of climbing out.

28 hours.
That's how long that horrific episode lasted... as of now.
From Wikipedia: [castor oil] can produce [sharp] painful cramps, fecal incontinence and explosive diarrhea. Its action can go on for hours, sometimes unpredictably and powerfully, causing an involuntary bowel movement at inconvenient locations and during sleep. (pointed out to me by 'Lee' in the comments section of the recent blog post)
I have lost 4 kilos in a day and a half. I wasn't sure if any organs came out as well; it certainly felt like it. I am now afraid to eat. Rice crackers and water and tea so far. I hope to venture out tomorrow to whole grains, or perhaps oatmeal. That is about where I'm at. I am completely terrified of eating.

I am crying so deeply, and trying to hold it in at the same time. If I let it out, all hell will break loose in me, and I don't know where that will lead me. I need a safe place and a safe person. I have those things, thank Gd, but they are a travel away. I hope to do that next week.

It is not just the bowel paralysis, it's the whole picture. The medications, the side effects. I knew that this combination of meds can do this to me; it is in the same family of the Lyrica, which I had the same problem (but less extreme). The other nerve pain meds I have tried all had side effects which were un-liveable. One gave me migraines. One I maxed out on. One made me nauseous and throw up. This particular medicine works so well. My nerve pain is almost completely at bay. But nobody can live with paralyzed bowels. I don't know if I'll change meds again, or add an appropriate laxative. This combination works against almost all the pain; when was the last time I said that?

It is just the Every Day nature of these complications. I cannot take it anymore. I cry deeply, right now, about how low I sink, and how I sometimes just can't- or want to give up- taking care of myself. I want to be taken care of. I want my mommy. (but of course, she is fighting her own battle at the moment. It is just a dream, not a request, of course)

Since the tears are coming fast and deep now, I think that is it... I want to give up taking care of myself. It is just too hard.

If it weren't for my children, I'm not sure I would want to be around to see this play out every day anymore.

Yes, I know I am at a low right now, and it will pass. But if these dark feelings, like other things recently being paralyzed (or are paralyzing, to be more accurate), cannot pass, someone is going to have to pick up the pieces of my life and.......

Take care of me.

I am not doing it so well these days.

5 comments :

  1. Heart wrenching to read. Wish I could help.

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  2. Oh Sarah. *hugs* so sorry we can't do more for you xx

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  3. I'm so sorry to read how bad the last 28 hours have been for you. On the upside, you did manage to get rid of a lot of "crap". Your intestines must be very happy.

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  4. And this is why I still pray for you, every day. רפואת הנפש ורפואת הגוף (healing for soul as well as for body)
    May it come to pass...soon.

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