Still in hospital, day 6

Every day I have wanted to write an update, but these antibiotics wipe me out so much that I just don't have the strength for anything. That, together with the fact that my spirits are waning. I know it is less than a week still- tomorrow evening is a week in the hospital, but I have been dealing with this infection and it's process for 11 days. It has taken my whole emotional and physical energy since then. That's a lot of days. While I was still home with it, and it was *so* painful, it effected my every minute. A few times Azriel swept his hand by it, or put pressure on it without realizing, I screamed out in pain. The look on his face, when I finally could look at him, was instant fear. It was wide-eyes, mouth half opened, fear. Fear he had done something terrible to me. As quickly as I could recover, I told him that I understand that he didn't know it would hurt me. I felt so bad for him. I know basically the kids are OK. Everyone tells me so. All the [amazing] friends who are helping out are telling me that my kids are awesome. I think that I am actually losing spirits because of myself. I am so tired that I am not sure I can write much, but I will try. These strong antibiotics (highest dose there is) are wiping me out. I am losing footing. The infection *is* finally reacting to them, and starting to recede. Thank Gd. The infection somehow opened itself up and started spontaneously bleeding and oozing discharge. This is a good thing- the infection is getting out. I still need the antibiotics until it is healed more, and I have to be here to have that (only given by IV). They said I may go home in a few days (today is Tuesday evening). As much as we all, obviously want that, I am nervous that the infection will return. They will release me with 10 days of oral antibiotics, the same dosage I had when this first started, and they didn't help. This whole thing is so unknown... where did it come from, is the mesh involved, will it recur, what is the strain of bacteria. We should know the strain soon; since it opened by itself, the doctor took a swab of it and sent it to culture. We are all interested to know if it is the same strain of strep a that we all know so well. There will be no scans or imaging to see if the mesh is involved. The only scan available to me is CT (MRI request was rejected). A CT scan isn't good for me. I have had *so many* of them, and each one is like 100 x-rays or something like that. Along with that issue, the iodine which has to be drunk before the scan is terrible for the kidneys. Not good. So, we won't be able to see if the mesh is involved. A big question unanswered. When I get out, I do plan to see the surgeon in Tel Aviv who put in the mesh, and get his take on it. I remember when I spoke with him at the original consult, he told me that the material he uses is state-of-the-art and will not cause an infection. I think he will say the same thing again, and say that the mesh is most likely not involved, that it was just a superficial infection on skin level. It very well may be- we have no way to know. I should go talk to him anyway. If it somehow needs to come out, I want him doing it. He was good. Question is: do we wait to see if another infection will happen before making any big decisions, or do we play defense and .... no, too much for me to contemplate- taking out the mesh without definitive proof that we need to. Meantime, I am here, with no need to make big decisions. The thing about being in the hospital is that you can sit around, sleep, do nothing, and still feel like you are doing something. (paraphrased from a book I am reading "Every Light In The House Burnin"). I have grown afraid of infection again. I mean, after NF, it really never went away, that fear, but for three years now, I haven't had a big one. Now everything is there for me again; mostly the fear of getting another infection. This one came up out of nowhere. No scrape, cut, opening of any kind. Just showed up. That is the kind of thing that instills fear. Not really fear of death, although that too, but fear of this scene- hospitalization, big drugs, illness. I want... I want... Well, it's obvious what I want, isn't it. I am getting too tired to keep typing. And my leg hurts. Yes, the famous thigh joint that is painful, but also what hurts is the place I had cellulitis 4 years ago. I'm going to have a doctor check it out soon. I hope my next update is from home. There is so much more to write, but I'll have to just jot down some thoughts for myself and write it another time. Here, a week seems so long!!