Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The "manic" game

For some reason, it finally clicked with me that I am recovering from a heavy hospitalization!
No, it is not done yet!

I am off huge doses of antibiotics, the last of which was only five days ago. Of *course* I am not ready to enter my regular world again. Why does it take so much pain and self-deprecation until I reach that realization? I know you guys try to tell me that, but until I get there myself, I go through so much turmoil.

Yesterday is when it was brought home that I am not ready yet to be in "with both feet".

My bigger boys were off on a school-wide (7th & 8th grade) overnight class camping trip. That left me with the two younger kids, and my daughter had ballet class, and all the rides were already arranged. I just had to be home, make an easy dinner for three, and spend time with the smaller kids which I don't often get. So, that seemed easy enough, and I cancelled our regular babysitter. The kids were so happy to have me all to themselves, and that it was only us that evening. I was happy, too. That's the way we all want it.

It started out well. I had a nice pot of soup simmering, I played with Azriel while Shifra was out at ballet. When she came home, I played a little wild with them (as kids love, and I love to make them laugh), then after dinner I started a mean game of Monopoly with Azriel.

Then it HIT. 

I was dizzy and weak, and had to lie down before I fell down. Azriel still wanted to continue the Monopoly game, and I did, not wanting to let him down. I watched the clock, wanting to get them to bed ASAP. I began to feel worse and worse. If the nanny were here, I'd be able to rest. Now, however, I couldn't. A few phone calls came in- one from the boys up north on the trip, and one from Robert, and I had to talk at length to both boys, then to Robert. Azriel was frustrated because I told him we'd play until 8:30, and here it was 8:45. I acquiesced and played longer. I have to admit, I was into the game myself. I was doing pretty well, but it looked like Wazi was going to clean me out...

Anyway, I didn't get up to my room (after doing some laundry, which the nanny also usually does) until close to midnight. That was also because after I got the kids down (with me sleeping a while in each of their beds), Robert came home, and we spent a little time together. I was still feeling awful.

When I got upstairs, I decided to do some ironing and mending of the dresses Shifra will use for the BarMitzvah. That was a mistake. I did both dresses- mending and ironing. I got into bed after 2, and couldn't sleep because I developed an annoying cough. I was coughing so much I couldn't get to sleep until I had used two sleeping pills (a half at a time, thinking that I just need that next half...), and that was after 4am. So so so not good for me.

Today... you got it.
I slept, waking in the morning just for meds, then slept straight through until 4pm.
Very thankfully Robert was home.

I have been coughing all day, with a scratchy throat, and feeling weak.

I am NOT recovered from that infection! My body is still weak.
I get it. I have to be really careful not to get myself into situations where I have no help, and I have to take care of the kids myself, even if it is only two of them. I can't keep asking when will I be better. I just have to do what my body tells me to do.
Each time I learn that lesson, I get a deeper understanding.

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