Thursday, June 20, 2013

School levels moving up, pain patches moving up, soul incorporating body... moving up.

Another school year comes to an end. My kids are so happy, with their sparkly eyes toward summer break. There is so much end of school stuff this week, of course. Shifra's ballet performance (she is so graceful and beautiful!) was today, graduation for Dov was this evening, saying goodbye to junior high, and onto high school (Dov will be going to Machon Lev, for all my Israeli friends who  have asked), and all of the end-of-year parties. 
Azriel receiving his first volumes of Torah- the 5 books of Moses- at his "moving up" ceremony, on the way to 2nd grade!

That is my busy family world, and I am forever grateful each time I can show up to these special events. I almost didn't get to Shifra's school play yesterday because I felt a migraine coming on, and was also nauseous. She played the part of Moses talking to Pharaoh asking to let her people go! It's a girl's school, so girls dress like boys or any costume necessary for the male roles. It's **really** cute. At the last minute, I got this nervous feeling, and jumped out of bed, flew into the car and went. When she saw me, like a minute before the play started, she threw her arms around my waist (long white beard and all), and I knew it was all worth it. Unfortunately, later last night, the migraine did come on strong, and I spent some of the night throwing up. :(
BUT, the important thing is that she doesn't know that, and I was there for her. Thank Gd.

Overall, I have been "showing up" for my kids a lot. Taking the older ones clothing shopping in preparation for summer camp, which they leave for in two weeks! The camp is up North, on the coast near Nahariya, for three weeks.

My other stuff, the medical stuff... you know, the stuff that is intertwined in my every day, hour and minute? Yeah, that medical stuff... lots is going on. I had a long, crying talk with my pain doctor, Dr Z. Well, I cried, he just gave me tissues. I told him the saga of my orthopedist appointment. No solution, no surgery to fix stuff, and increased pain. He was so helpful, and, don't take this in any weird way, but I'd even say I felt like he was loving. I talked about our family dynamics involving a mother who isn't always well, and is in pain a lot. I told him, through tears, that Dov wistfully said that we never go on family hikes, and all his friends go to the beautiful hiking and camping areas of Israel, and I had to say that, yeah, well, everyone's family is built on the capabilities of the people in the family, and that is how decisions are made. Very logical, but boy did that one make me cry, privately, not around him.

The end of that intimate conversation with Dr. Z is that we raised my patch- the Fentanyl. It's now going to be 87.5mmg. When I started the Fentanyl patches, just to give you a frame of reference, I started at the lowest dose, 12.5mmg. I told Dr. Z that it seems my body is getting accustomed to the Fentanyl more quickly. The history is raising it every 8 or 9 months, and this was only 5 months. He said "no, it's not that your body is getting used to it, it's that your pain level is higher".
His main goal? Keep me out of pain.
He also recommended getting another opinion. He said that my orthopedist in Ichilov is excellent of course, but he's not the only excellent one around. I plan to follow up on that and get another opinion.

There's other stuff going on that I can't really discuss here on the internet, but it is going in a positive direction, thank Gd. There have been some awesome breakthroughs, and I see puzzle pieces coming together. Everything is related to everything in Gd's world. Nothing, and nobody, stands alone. 

I chose to reprint this blog entry from 2009 because it was a time which I wasn't yet aware that everything is related. I was talking to and relating to my body as a foreign being. My soul did not want Gapey as it's house. I read this entry, and realized that more and more we (my soul and me) have been able to reconcile, and incorporate the house chosen for the soul.

Someday I may still do the reconstruction surgery, but it won't be because I reject Gapey. Time, which in this context, feels like a synonym for God, has taught me so much.


By the grace of God, January 2009

Our little talk, my body and me

OK, body, here's the story:

Gapey, you gotta get it together. We have to live together, and in truth, I'd rather we learn how to do that than have to rip you up and try to fix you. We are both scared of the idea of surgery, so grow up already and act like you belong to my body. I know you heard me decide to take you apart, and I very well might do that, but if you stop bothering me so much and get some flexibility, I will, too. Am I being a hard hostess? Well, you are a hard guest. In fact, I don't remember ever inviting you, did I. Maybe that's the real problem. You feel like an intruder to my body, and I want the power to decide how my body will be. I know I have that power, but today it scares me.

And you, hip and thigh pain... I've had just about enough of you two. You are with me from morning to evening, sitting, standing, driving, or lying down. You have me believing that an analysis via MRI will be the key to getting rid of you. But what if it's not? What are you two, anyway? Do you work as a team, or is it just a coincidence? Did Gapey talk you into joining the party with it's scar tissue growing out of control back there? Is this a conspiracy? If you don't show your origin soon, there's gonna be a riot, and neither of us want it to get to that. Just get out on your own, please, quickly and quietly.

You all have no right to take over my mood, or to bring fear and doubt to the world I built. Before you came around, I made decisions, and I carried them out. Always. I was strong and fearless. I took chances because I knew I'd make it through.

You stole my feeling of being powerful. You made me humble. You made me rely on God and faith. Those things are good. I got it. Just leave me alone now and let me move on. Let me feel strong, and stop with the pain. Enough.


  1. my daughter complains ALL the time that we never do anything and I am a wimp. In summer anything involving too much movement-sweat is out of the question and I do get to some outings when the weather is nice but she was the only toddler long ago who's mother didn't get in the pool with her....etc. Guilt guilt guilt but otherwise I'd be out of commission so that's the mom she's got. If she wants to hike she'll do it through scouts or hiking chug. You do lots with your kids-baking, reading, costumes, school projects, guiding them through life. Everything is important!

  2. I'm very glad to hear you were able to talk through this with Dr. Z. I do like his attitude. And his recommendation that you find another orthopedist is a good one. With the boys away at camp, you'll have more time for the things you are working on. Please remember you can always ask if there is anything I can do for you.

  3. Sounds like a really meaningful meeting - what a doctor, who can really hear the people in his room, contain their pain and make recommendations having really listened. Wishing you השגחה [divine guidance] finding a better excellent orthopedist (if you can wish השגחה on someone)