Friday, June 28, 2013

From victimization to vulnerability

This is a really amazing time period in my life. Or, maybe just a few inspiring personal growth days/ weeks that make me feel that it is an amazing period.
What is happening these days is good. I am moving out of the victim stage.
I am moving forward with the reconstruction of gapey. The most practical reason being that if I am going to need a hip replacement, which may be sooner rather than later, having gapey fixed and healed is the best and safest way to do that.

(There are many other reasons... one being that it is uncomfortable to wear clothes; I always wear this pressure garment, and wouldn't it be great to do away with that... many, many other reasons. Too many to list on one blog entry.)

There are so many levels to this story. This is a story which I have written about practically from the beginning of recovering from NF. I've written about it at least once a  month, for the entire six years. This reconstruction surgery is obviously a recurring theme in my journal. I got close to doing it last year, but decided not to because Ya'akov's BarMitzvah was coming up. I now realize more of why that wasn't the right time. I was leaning towards doing it in Soroka hospital here in Be'er Sheva, where many stories of victimization swim around my soul. The doctor I was choosing was right, but the place was not. I would have had post-surgical care by one of the doctors who was incredibly abusive to me (physically as well as emotionally). Last year, I was leaning toward what may have been a very negative experience for me.
It's hard to heal well from negative experiences.

I have been doing some energy work, together with body work, to discover what it is I really want to go forward with, within the confusion of the surgeries that stand before me. I thought it was that I wanted to get off all the pain meds. I have a notion that if I do that, I will have a better idea of where my body really is regarding pain, and I can give my body a break from all the chemicals.Turns out, after working on this question, my body had a resounding "no" to starting to wean off the meds. I think I understand why. If I am going to go forth with fixing gapey, I'll still need all the pain meds for my hips while going through that corrective surgery. I want to fix gapey, and I think it's time.

My very special, spiritually gifted therapist (Miriam) asked me why I felt confusion and fear about letting go of gapey. I was ready to delve in, and find the answers I need in order to go forward.
 
She asked me: What would happen if gapey didn't exist? 
 
Having gapey there feels like testimony, and like living evidence of how I have been victimized (whether or not it is true, I am talking from my soul, not my head).
 
By taking away the negative testimony, I am lightening my spirit.
So why is it so hard to come to terms with?
Am I afraid about wearing a body that is not evidence of being injured? Why?
Am I afraid that if we take away the evidence, I may feel joy? Can I allow myself to feel joy after feeling victimized?
*That* hit the nail on the head- allowing the goodness to win. Allowing the goodness to win.

Even without gapey, there will still be loads of testimony; pages and pages, pictures, feelings that will never be forgotten, can never be erased. I don't need to wear testimony. I don't need to wear evidence.
So can I fix gapey? Well, after having my fingers on the keyboard for a minute or so without being able to type the answer, I see I have more work to do.
Affirmation: I am worthy of having a body that does not display evidence of victimization. I am worthy of a body that is not walking testimony.
Or, put in the positive language, I am worthy of having a body which feels peaceful. (When I look at gapey, I see violence.)
I can give myself that chance.
Life is short. What is to be gained by not taking a chance to improve? I can learn joy.
I deserve to learn joy.
I want to fix gapey. There, that time, it wasn't hard to type. When I can have a glimpse of connecting with Gd, I have a glimpse of being able to let go of sadness.
There it is. Step one of working this out. Peeling off one layer of the onion makes the next one visible. At the core lies the essence. Aren't we all striving to live a life of essence; a vulnerable core which isn't afraid to feel joy? Which doesn't have to quickly switch thoughts of peace and contentment to fear and negativity?

[example: looking at your child sleeping peacefully, and your vulnerable thoughts are "I love this beautiful child so much, I can't believe it is possible to love like this". 
My baby


Then the next thought, a few seconds later, skips to "Gd forbid something would happen to him. Horrible things happen in this world, I am so scared something could happen to him someday. I can't protect him enough, I'd never be able to live with that". -or something along those lines. You get my point... positivity and love are too vulnerable and scary- switch immediately to fear, it is more familiar.]

Repairing gapey is repairing part of my soul. It is a very important, essential step for me to remove victimization from my body, which is my soul's house.

I am thinking of doing it in October.....

13 comments :

  1. stunningly beautiful blog entry.

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  2. Hear you loud and clear. Shabbat shalom.

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  3. October, a New Year, a new beginning. It should be a time of רחמים ורפואה for you. You are doing such hard work - I stand in awe - and you write about it so movingly.

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  4. Yeah!!! for the repair of gapey, hurrah for those powerful insights!!!. i would even go a bit further - but not today. i just had this image of someone crawling out of a big darik tunnel - or a narrow dark tunnel and seeing light and feeling fresh air. Wow, Shabbat shalom!

    Love to you and everyone,
    Hadassah

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  5. I support you in this decision. I wish I could do more to help you with it. :-) But know there's good thoughts being sent from Pennsylvania.

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  6. Wow!!! Amazing work. Thank you so much for sharing this incredible process with me. Yes, you can learn to feel joy and you can learn to love your body! Kol Hakavod!

    I am so proud of you!
    Have a wonderful Shabbos.
    Much love and admiration,

    Miriam

    Miriam Maslin

    "gentle healing"

    private sessions - phone sessions

    workshops

    ramat bet shemesh

    052-324-4604

    mmaslin51@gmail.com

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  7. How wonderful to read this, Sarah. You have the power to create whatever you want in your life. Ridding yourself of the victim aspect is a major accomplishment. Good for you.

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  8. Dear Sarah

    This entry is huge breakthrough!

    Feeling victimized has also served a purpose of meeting some basic human needs.

    Just being able to state clearly that "I am moving out of the victim stage" is huge.

    I am glad you have a therapist with whom you are being able to take such huge steps. Amen amen!

    Xxx

    Sh

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  9. it was so strong and beautifully written!
    Shulamit

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  10. You never cease to amaze me.

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  11. Thank you everyone for all your awesome support! I so love feedback, I thrive on positive feedback.
    Yes, lots of blockages being opened. There is a right time and a right place for everything. But, as we all know, we can plan, but Gd... designs.

    I do feel strong these days. And Michele- I honestly don't feel like someone who amazes people, and I look at your comment and feel so blessed to have your support. And everyone's strong words! This post brought so much out of me, and it brought even more *to* me. My heartfelt thank you for your love.

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  12. miss you, Sare, please write! and yasher koach on your new insights and realizations. BTW, just because you post things here doesn't mean you can't change your mind re: your course of action.... were with you all the way, any which way!

    love, Devorah from NJ

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