Sunday, July 7, 2013

Not this time.

Life is so overwhelming, you know? I mean, I know you know. Everyone's life seems overwhelming, right? Or are there people out there who are not overwhelmed with life and all it entails? Can you come here and tell me about it?

Or, better yet, come to the beach with me and tell me about it.
I **need** the beach. I haven't been in so long, it almost makes me cry! Last week I planned a day for me to go, alone, but I had a migraine that day.
I'd like to go today, but I had another migraine last night, and I am wiped out today.

[And yes, I will try to get to my doctor to give me a referral to a neurologist to see what can be done. She didn't agree to give the referral last time I asked because she said that I am allergic to the main medicine, and there is "nothing new under the sun" (a quote from Eccliastes; Kohelet in Hebrew). At the moment, I have no medicine for it, I just have to excruciatingly wait it out until I fall asleep (usually with the aid of a sleeping pill).]

I want to go to the beach. I need a break. I need to be with the endless Mediterranean ocean, sitting on a towel in the sand, eating watermelon, and doing nothing. Maybe if I can get it together today I will hop into the car and go.

the beach near where I grew up on Long Island. I have so many hours logged there from my years of living there. It is a very holy place for me.
I took these myself last fall when I went to be with my mother.

I'd *so* love to take one of these babies out onto the water! I love this picture.

There is just so much to do, though! Well, things will calm down a little when my bog boys go off to summer camp for three weeks, starting Tuesday.
On Tuesday, though, I also have an appointment with prof. Meller at Ichilov (Tel Aviv), orthopedic oncologist, to see the situation with my left hip regarding PVNS.

Oh, and that great stuff I wrote about in my last post? Well, it'd still be great if I could do the reconstruction, but again, something is getting in the way. Seems like each time I plan to do it, something gets in the way.

The first time I planned to do it was about 6 months after the original graft. That was the recommended time to do it. It was that time, however, that I got hit hard with the post-traumatic stress syndrome, and I had lots on my hands to deal with emotionally.

The second time was later in that first year after NF, but then I needed the surgery for the PVNS. That definitely took precedence.

The third time I decided to do it was much later. That was because after the PVNS surgery, I was bogged down with physical therapy, pain control, appendicitis, and inserting a mesh behind gapey (which was actually in preparation for the reconstruction, if you remember). That mesh surgery was so difficult and painful, it took me about a year to recover. After that was the next surgery, a year and a half ago, for the impingement in my hip joint. Then my mother fell ill, and I made trips to go be with her. Then I planned again to do the reconstruction, and if you remember, earlier last fall I went to get more opinions about it, but decided ultimately to push it off because of Ya'akov's BarMitzvah. I wound up in hospital a month before the BarMitzvah, anyway, with the last case of cellulitis. Remember?

Now I hoped to really get to it. My feeling was positive to the max, and I felt more inspired than ever to reach this milestone. Now, we are coming against another 'wall'. There are other factors involved. Medical factors. Now I feel that it's just Hashem's will that it just won't be done. Gapey and I are partners to stay, and I feel that it has to be from Hashem. How could I not feel that? It is just too complicated to reconstruct, and will be very disruptive to me medically and physically. I feel that Hashem knows something about this that I am not free to know, and that it is time to accept that this is His Will intercepting. I intuitively know, from having been through NF, at the time in my life that I went through it, that Hashem will make His will known. A person has to only listen. If I chose again not to listen, I may wind up in a terrible situation, Gd forbid.

Me and gapey together forever. It is what it is. I made it out from NF with my life. Gd wants me to leave "well-enough alone".

Thank You, God, for showing me Your Wisdom, so clearly. I will work on acceptance now.

Now let's go to the beach, OK?


  1. I know two women who got severe migraines under con trol by changing their diet. Have you checked out this possibility?

    1. I have looked that up on google a bit, but I didn't find anything conclusive to point to something I eat. Can these women get in touch with me and possibly share with me their experiences?

  2. the weather is great so hope your beach trip works out before it gets too hot and the meduzas [jellyfish] get here.

  3. No meduzas yet on Friday in Tel Aviv. I hope you get that day at the beach.

    1. Michele! Jealous you got to the beach. Soon, soon.

  4. Dear Sarah, enjoy the beach! Sending lots of love!

    1. I will for sure let y'all know when I get there! Pls Gd soon.