|Azriel & I on a camel, August 27th, 2013 (Azriel has a funky face on him, right?)|
|our camel contingent- 4 camels, 8 ppl, in the desert hills, a half hour from my house. Shifra and Ya'akov in the front camel, me & Azriel on the back one, our friends in between|
|Our contingent, from my view. Can't see me, I am on the last camel. You can see her head poking in there.|
I don't think I had ever experienced the amounts of energy that I experienced that week after I returned from the health retreat. I don't have so many memories (which are not jaded by my thoughts of a perfect and healthy life, which it wasn't) from the time before I got sick.
I was up every morning, and active all day. Cooking tons, sprouting beans, making healthy shakes, you name it. Being with the kids from morning till night, which I hadn't done since I got sick. Everyone after I returned was so pleased that "Sarah is back!"
This time, I honestly didn't see it coming. Came right up and bit me on the behind...
I got some sort of virus last week, and I was out of commission for a few days, then back on my feet in full power. Then Robert got the virus. He was in bed for a few days.
This past Thursday (a few days ago), I had an emotional and physical breakdown.
I made Robert get out of bed, while he still was sick, because I could not stand on my feet anymore.
I spent Thursday evening until Friday at about 4:30pm in bed, asleep. I actually forced myself to get up at 4:30pm so I could make Azriel his birthday cake I promised him. At least I did that. (He's 8!!)
Shabbat I had (and continue to feel) absolutely no energy at all, like someone pulled my plug. I can barely stand on my feet. Not pain, exhaustion.
I feel that everything I had established and learned from the retreat is lost, but I know it isn't. I don't know why my energy dropped out the bottom of the bucket, and it is depressing. I am so confused and sad.
A revolution cannot happen overnight, but I was charmed into thinking that I'd done it! I'd found the magical elixir that will put all this "weak Sarah" (at least my image of myself) post-NF stuff finally to rest. That my next chapter will finally be started, and that I can move on. I had visions of starting to cut down- and finally going off- the pain meds, and getting my life back. I even played with the idea of working again. The new and improved Sarah. I *was* that person for a few weeks. Invincible. I felt such internal power.
We'll see what the weeks coming will bring, with the Jewish holy-days around the corner. A new year, a new slate, a new chance.
I think the key is that this stuff has to happen slowly, not a revolution (for some reason, I have Red Square in my mind when I am writing about a revolution). It's just that I got a taste... and it is so sweet.
I wish I could go back to Mitzpe Alumot (where the retreat was); the owner even told me he'd help me out financially when I come back. But honestly, it is so unrealistic. I have four kids here. Well, one just started boarding school, but the three at home *really* need me. The retreat has no room for busy moms. I was one of the youngest people there. How could I go back? It's not reality. I can heal there, I saw it with my own eyes (and felt it with my body). But my family needs me. It is way too complicated for me to just disappear for a week or two (two or three, actually, the owner said would be my "prescription", from his experience). Who will pick them up from school? Make them healthy food? Drive to activities, doctors, dentist, take care of small and large needs? How could Robert hold down the house (cleaning/laundry/and a zillion other things we do to maintain equilibrium) while he is working hard himself? It was one thing when I left during the summer. Now it is much harder.
Nope, I gotta go this on my own. Getting the drive back, closing that bucket that held my energy and enthusiasm, is what is going to be the challenge. Too challenging, it feels. I need the support that place offers. It is a cradle of health.
I have a scary urge to just want to be alone. Away from *everyone* and everything. I have had this urge for some time now. I am becoming more and more desperate to disconnect and be alone. That is some, but not all, of why I haven't written in a while. Mostly I haven't written because of insane busyness. Does anyone else just want to be alone, or is this a feeling I should be scared of? I desperately want to disconnect. That is my secret, and it's out now.
If I don't get to write again until Rosh Hashana, I want to say to everyone who celebrates the holy day to make all you can of this new start, this new year. God always gives us another chance. Well, almost always. Use this one. Pray like there is no tomorrow. Pray for health, pride in your children, and togetherness. Don't give in to wanting to be alone. Pray that I won't. either.