Monday, October 14, 2013

I am losing it.

It has been a really rough week, since the headache of the century last week. I just don't bounce back like I used to! My body has been through too much to bounce back anymore.

There is some weird stuff happening.
Lots of nausea, lots of eye pain (behind the eyes) since the migraine. General malaise. I have been in bed more than out since the ER night last week.

I went to my doctor yesterday morning.
My appetite has been down, and 5 kilos (11 pounds) have come off in a short period of time (a month?). I get nauseous easily.
Yesterday I only drank (didn't eat anything) in the morning, because I felt so ill. We had a meeting in Ya'akov's school, then I had my doctor's appointment, then I picked up Shifra and went home. I had plans to make a big, beautiful salad for us to enjoy together (she loves them, too) for lunch, but almost as soon as we walked in the door, I had to throw up. I threw up water! That was all I had all morning! I told her she can make a salad, and there are these things in the fridge to eat for lunch, and I have to rest. My kids, for better or for worse, are used to that, and can take meals for themselves.

After that, I called a babysitter, and asked for help to bring Shifra to and from ballet class. A friend was already bringing Azriel home from school, so the day was covered.

I went to bed, and as soon as the babysitter came, I was able to sleep.
I slept pretty much for the rest of the day and night. :(

Today I feel a bit better, and I ate a bit. I ate safe, comfort food- Polenta- cornmeal hot cereal. Love that with butter and salt. I don't feel nauseous at this moment- about an hour after I ate, which is good, but I am still quite exhausted. There are so many projects I have to get to in the house! My room has piles of clothes that I have to bag and put away or give away. My desk drawers have to be changed over to my new desk because Azriel needs his drawers back for his new room. This stuff is all over the room, for quite some time now. Anyone who knows me knows that I *can't stand* this sort of thing- it makes me nuts. It is an exercise in putting myself first that makes me not do these things even though I need to have them done. Oh, yes, also the ironing, of course. Not to mention the *HUGE* project in our basement building ans transferring the old computer room stuff into the new one. We haven't even touched that yet. Makes me dizzy to think about.

Anyway, my doctor is starting with tests to see what is going on with me. I have an in-depth eye doctor (not optometrist- eye doctor) appointment next week to check for all sorts of things- pressure, fundus, other stuff I don't understand that she wants to test. I am to see a neurologist tomorrow, also. I'm not sure if it's going to be the one that I will stay with- I am just meeting this one for the first time tomorrow. It is a random doctor from the health fund. My GP told me to get an appointment with the head of the neurology dept (get it? head of the nerology department? Get it? :)). She told me the guy's name, so I will try to get an appointment with him, too. He is supposed to be a specialist in migraines. I have recently learned about "cluster headaches", too. Anyone heard of them? I am wondering if that is what I have. The symptoms match. We'll see.

I'm also supposed to do a stool culture (lovely) because I have been having the diarrhea. My doc wants to test for parasites. Could be why I am having nausea and losing weight rapidly.

I sometimes feel that I am just a body of walking symptoms, and that is the way I will have to live for the rest of my life. Not a happy thought. What did NF do to my body?
What did it do to my soul?

I have another blog to write about my hip pain. Another issue I feel I am stuck with forever.
I know I should try to be more positive. Sometimes I am, I do try. I am not so good at it, though, by nature.

Is this what my doctor meant all those years ago, when he said to me that after everything that I've been thorough, that I can expect to be 80% of what I used to be. What does that mean? Is this it? Is this my 80%? It's hard to quantify, you know? I want Sarah back. I am not accepting this 80% thing, but maybe I should stop looking for more. What does that mean, anyway, 80%? Who could understand what it means to have 80% of their health? 

I'm going through a bad jag.
I will get through it. For myself, and for my family. My kids need me, even if only 80% of me. I feel now that they aren't even getting that, with me in bed so much. 
OK, my eyes are drooping, I need to shut them for a while. The kids will be home soon. Luckily it is Robert's day off today, so I feel at ease to rest.

I do hope to go out this evening to a shiur (class, lecture) from a Rabbanit who I love listening to. I really hope I can get myself together and get there. I pray none of the nausea comes back today.

Gonna get some shut-eye. 


  1. I hope you made your class Sarah. Hang in there! Any part of you your children get is better than nothing. Of course you want 100%. But you can only do what you can.
    Hugs, Jackie

  2. sorry to hear all this after your optimism from your summer retreat. A lot of effort put in with little return. Good luck with all your new tests..and FEEL BETTER quick.

    1. Yes, one of the things I prayed for from the retreat and all I learned there is how to get rid of my migraines. Truth is that I have strayed from the special diet. I really think that if I can get a good stint of 3 weeks there I will have a much better base to continue it, and understand more about how to change things permanently. Don't know when I'll ever be able to do that, though. There is real life to think about, of course...

  3. Hope the nausea hasn't come back and that you feel better soon, Sarah!

  4. Feel better soon and hope that the good stuff is back quicker than you expect.

  5. Dear, dear Sarah,

    I’ve been reading your blogs and crying for you. I’ve wanted to share my thoughts and have been afraid. I think I need to speak.

    As I read, there is one thought that keeps coming to me over and over. “Acceptance of limitations.” Knowing when it’s time to fight and when it’s time to listen to your body. So often I feel that the issues that you develop are a result of your pushing too hard.

    I can’t begin to imagine your pain at not being able to be there for your family and have the life that you’d like to have. And yet... sometimes it’s just about acceptance. If only we could see the Big Picture – everything would be so clear. But that’s not the way it’s supposed to be.

    It’s very hard when you’re so young to accept what you can’t do. My husband and friends are in their sixties, and it’s hard for all of us. Maybe it never really gets any easier.

    Because loss, is loss, is loss. I think it’s all about grieving. And the first stage of grief work is acceptance. We can’t move forward and ultimately heal if we can’t accept what is.

    Please forgive me if I’ve hurt you. I just felt I had to say what was on my heart. You know I’m always here for you if you want to talk. (I know I can’t work with touch on Skype, but maybe it’s better than nothing.) Or maybe one of these days I will drive down to Beersheva.

    Lots and lots of hugs,


    1. You couldn't hurt me with such caring words, Miriam! I always appreciate your wisdom and insights. I have driven many miles to you on many occasions to get it.
      You are very well right, on some levels. Acceptance is **sooooo** hard, as you say. But, if you spend your life not accepting your lot, life passes you by, and you have only accomplished non-acceptance. OTOH, I can't see, or understand, how acceptance would look like. I would rest more? I rest so much already. I would do less activities? I suppose, but these are my children's young years. And anyway, who else will take care of them, if not me? Robert needs to work. I am their mother. I need to give to them and myself at the same time. A very hard, and possibly impossible position.
      Maybe it's time for me to make another visit to you. It is so hard to plan for later in the week, or next week... I never know what I will feel, as you know.
      Please don't ever be worried to express your thoughts about what I write. You are one person who's words only soothe me. I have never experienced any other feeling with our conversations/meetings/letters. xxxxoooo