Sunday, October 26, 2014

Weary from fatigue

While things around me, involving me, seem to be going really well, my physical body isn't doing that great. There should be some correlation with good emotional=good physical, but it's not always that way.

Incredibly good news is that Ya'akov's high school yeshiva got the funding it needs to stay afloat and open for this year. We don't know what will happen with next year, but there is reason to believe that during this year the changes will happen that need to happen in order to get more funding from the education ministry. Meanwhile, the threat of his school closing is not hanging over us. This is **awesome**. It is a very special school- the only of it's kind- and I couldn't see him thriving anywhere else. Thank God that he gets to stay there. And it gives me unspeakable inner peace to see him thriving. I am going to Jerusalem tomorrow (Monday) evening to attend a school meeting, and I'll meet his teachers and principal (again). Although it is hard for me to travel, I am going to make every effort necessary to get to this meeting. (Even with the price I'll be paying the rest of the week for this traveling and staying up late at night.)

Other really cool news is that I won an award for my writing! One of the contests I entered a few months back had the results finally publicised, and I won! There were hundreds of people entering their writing proposals, with 28 prize possibilities. I won the 8th, so that's pretty cool! It's the first real approbation for my writing. (Well, the Jerusalem publisher that offered me a contract is also a nice feather in my cap, but I haven't signed yet. It's not the ideal contract, I want to try for a bigger one.) Anyway, yay! This prize is a free two-hour Skype session with a major author/big wig in the publishing business. She can help me with any aspect of writing the book I ask for; it could be writing/content itself, layout, editing, or sharpening up my proposal in order to possibly get a better publishing contract. I'm not ready yet to use her services, I have to home in on what is the best way for me to use these two hours (these people charge $600/hour for their services!),

That stuff totally lifted my spirits last week (after also being high on helping with a birth). At the same time, though, my body started to break down a bit.

In my last post, I started off saying that I have been having the type of exhaustion that gets into my bones and stays there, no matter how much rest I get. Then I had the almost-cellulitis scare. Well, thankfully, there have been no fevers since then. But the extreme, profound exhaustion just keeps on and on, making me feel that I am living my life under a heavy, wet blanket. My body is not rested even after 12 hours of sleep. *That* is unmanageable. Even yesterday, on Shabbat, with guests at our table, I rested in my bed during set-up time (thanks, hubby and [possibly] kids), and when Robert came to tell me that the table is ready to get started, I literally could not lift my body out of bed. It took me a bit, and eventually I did join them, but the dizzy-cotton-head feeling never left. It is my modus-operandi these days. Sarah can be awake but always needs to rest. Any change in schedule- or travel commitments- will throw me off completely. If I am hungry and tired at the same time, tired wins; I'm not eating so well. The fatigue affects everything, and it is cyclical. If I'm too tired to make good food, either eat something not good, or go to sleep without eating. I don't even wake up hungry any more, my appetite is nil.

I made an appointment with my doctor, but she can see me only next week. I want an entire blood panel done, I have to get to the bottom of this.

I did start cutting down my meds. *But*- before you think that the problem starts there, remember that this started before I cut down.
About 5 days ago I took away 6mmg from my dose of 87 mmg. Yes, it made me even more heavily exhausted to the point of feeling sedated, but my commitment to cutting down my meds is very powerful. I will keep the 6mmg's off my dosage, but will not cut down more until the arrival of the power drink which is supposed to help the fatigue. The thankful thing is that aside from the debilitating fatigue, there have been no side effects from lowering the dose (hallucinations or vomiting) like there was last time I cut my dose- but that was cutting out 12mmg's at once.

Along with this inordinate fatigue came another symptom. I believe they are unrelated, but ya never know. My left thigh joint is in trouble again. (The left is the one which had the PVNS, but my last MRI a few months ago showed no signs of the disease returning). It "clicks" like a rubber band out of place with EACH STEP I take. I feel it, each step. It isn't accompanied by pain each step, but I have markedly more pain by the end of the day, in both sides. The pain increase could be due to me cutting the dose of the narcotic, that is hard to know. But the fact that there is a popping in my hip with each step is very disconcerting to me. It actually takes my attention- I *feel* my steps. If I consciously make my steps smaller, it doesn't happen. My steps are already pretty small, though, in comparison to other people. I have an appointment with my orthopedist at the end of November.

Sleeping is again pretty much restricted to my back, with my big pillow under my knees. If I turn onto either side, pain wakes me up after a little bit. :(

In general, I'd say I'm not doing so great, regardless of the good things that are happening in life. The fatigue... it is so depleting. I have no problem going to sleep early, as my New Year's resolution sets out to accomplish. Getting up is the problem. :(


  1. Sometimes after reading your blog I wish it was possible to send a gift of a month of pain free ordinary days with no surprises. It seems there is always something new on your already too burdened body. Good luck lowering the pain meds. And feeling well!

    1. Tzippi, if you figure out how to give a gift like the one you describe, you'd get quite rich quick! But yeah, ordinary days and pain-free would be.... a dream. I can't even remember pain-free times. I honestly do not remember what it feels like to not have health issues and pain.

  2. I so much admire your positive spirit with all that is going on in your life.
    Regarding your extreme fatigue, the thought occurred to me that perhaps the jet lag is really still lagging in spite of the weeks that you are home already? I know that it takes me a good 3 weeks, and your body is so much more sensitive to any and all changes. You just picked up your life after coming home and carried on as normal. I wish the answer to the problem is as "easy" as that. It was just a thought.
    May Hashem continue to give you mental and physical strength for your incredible journey.
    With warm regards

    1. I also wish the answer was as easy as jet lag. During the chagim I thought it was, but I already am not seeing that as a factor. it's true that I landed on the ground running, right into Rosh Hashana, etc. Last time I returned from the states it took me a full two weeks to recover (last Chanukah, almost a year ago) from jet lag. This time I just don't think it's that. My intuition tells me that possibly I am anemic (I'm a vegitarian who has really not been cooking properly of late), or something else yet unknown. I appreciate your suggestion, though! Going with a benign explanation is always a good place to start.

      Thank you, too, for the chizuk (strengthening remarks). I often don't see my spirit as being very positive, so it was nice to see that *you* see it that way.
      Thank you so much for your positive support. Coming from you it is quite an honor.