Thursday, October 30, 2014

Pain. Sleeping pills. Fentanyl. Whiskey. Despair.

Shit. Fed Up.
You can't imagine. You just can't. In this way, I am alone. Completely. You can't imagine.
No, I can't put it behind me, it's in front of my face every [expletive] waking hour of my life.

I am in crazy pain today. Oh, and yesterday.
A comment comes from someone who really just wants the best for me:
me: I am in intense pain today, I can barely walk.
Person: so, how long are you going to let this go on before you raise your pain meds to what it was?
me: boiling inside. You have no right to say that. You have no idea how it feels. The Fentanyl side effects suck. The pain sucks. Sometimes I want to kill myself to get out of pain. You have no idea.
Person: being defensive, saying sorry, but inside probably curling into a helpless ball... they only wanted to be helpful.

Two nights ago (after returning from a day and a half in Jerusalem), I had a case of restless leg syndrome that felt like every nerve in my leg was firing together, and it had a life of it's own. Nothing could be seen by looking at it, of course. I felt like I'd go out of my mind with nerves going haywire.

I took sleeping pills, didn't help.
I have the Fentanyl patches, no good for this.
At my husband's suggestion, I drank lots of whiskey.

That worked. After hours of suffering, my leg mania finally stopped. I was drugged to sleep,
Problem is that it is bad to combine all that stuff. It amplifies everything.
I was in bed, sleeping, all the next day. When I tried to wake up, it felt like the under water feeling I get when I am just waking up from anesthesia.

Another day, lost.

So much pain today.
Shit, when is this going to end? I am close to the end of my tether.
My kids keep me going.
They help chip away at the useless stone of resentment I have in my head.
I read a story to Azriel tonight, like I do every night. Tonight, though, it helped to chip away at the resentment. I felt it happen. Thank Gd for the angels- the children.

There are new problems happening. I am so depressed about it, you cannot imagine. My legs hurt all the time. My nerves fire at their own will.

I won't kill myself for I am not my pain.
But sometimes, just sometimes, it is so all encompassing that there seems no way out.

My pain doctor (Dr. Z) has me at a dead end as far as changing to another medicine. I have one in mind, and he won't go there. The Fentanyl is eating me alive with side effects. My life revolves around it.

I am only 46.

I have gotten in touch with another pain doctor today. He is new in Israel (here in the south, from America), but not yet part of "the system", so he can't prescribe, and it will be a while until he learns the ropes. I'll see what he thinks. It's just that he's not in the system. I need someone who works in the health care system to be able to change meds. But I'm going to talk to him anyway.



  1. so sorry for your pain!

  2. don't give up, we won't let you drown.

  3. Hang in there. Things will get better; keep focusing on your desired outcome (I know it's damn near impossible some times). Hopefully you will soon find the most effective combination of meds. I hope you have a restful shabbat.

  4. Yes, I had some trouble posting on the site today as well and don't have the patience to try again. So: No words. I just pray the pain starts to diminish. Fast. And definitely, definitely put this post in your book. It's incredibly powerful.

  5. I hope Shabbat brings some respite.

  6. Your blog makes me angry...angry that you are in this state and no one can help...angry that there are no easy solutions, angry it it happening to you and as always hoping there will be a way for things to get better. Shabbat shalom and feel better quickly.

    1. Tzippy, thank you for your compassion. I am working hard on my own resentments- they serve no good purpose, you know? I am branching out to other pain doctors, and am igniting new hope for that. zit's all a process, and yes, I am in a crappy place now. I've been in worse ones, though, and I know that this will pass into a new phase. Shabbat Shalom!