Sunday, December 21, 2014

Is this the little girl I car-ried.... Is this the little boy who played? I don't remember getting old-er... when-did-they?

"... one season following a-no-ther, 
laden with happiness and tears..."
(Fiddler on the Roof)

It's been just a whirlwind week... weeks. We are preparing for Shifra's BatMitzvah... around the corner. Look at these....

last week

the setting sun at the park
sencond grade... after I had NF

Next Shabbat (the 27th) is her BatMitzvah in the shul, and Sunday night thereafter is the party. It's just been crazy with all the arrangements, and I have been so busy.

Sometimes there have been days that I see myself oddly capable of tremendous feats of shopping and doing... cleaning, organizing, cooking. So much blinkin' shopping. I mean, I do like to shop, not gonna lie to ya here. But these two weeks have seen more shopping that I thought were humanly possible, no less possible for *me*. In-the-car-and-out-of-the-car at least 48 times a day. Walking around stores, on my feet constantly. Why, do you ask, the sudden shopping bonanza? Because my darling daughter couldn't find a dress that suited her. Yes, we saw nearly 25 dresses that were beautiful on her and completely appropriate. But no, she did not agree to buy any of them. Well, she is having a BatMitzvah, so I, as her mother, have to get her a dress, right? We've actually been having nice times together, laughing and chatting about all sorts of things. But, so frustrating that she couldn't decide on anything. At all. My maturing daughter is quite mercurial, it seems. It's a phase, right? Please tell me it's a phase!...? Well, in the end, we went to a seamstress to make the dress my daughter had in mind. Except it turned out that when we went for the first fitting, it wasn't actually the dress she wanted. She then visualized another one (tears happened along the way, as well), and thankfully the seamstress was able to accommodate that dress with the given material, as well. Lovely seamstress, really- she said to me "now I see why you weren't able to find a dress"........

I found clothing for myself one day with a rare half hour to myself. That was very fortunate.
Now Azriel needs pants, and Dov may possibly need a shirt, if he gets what *he* wants.

The amazing thing here is that I have also, during all this, done pick-ups after school, taken kids to ballet and other activities, picked up after various activities, gotten good dinners on the table, and not suffered as much as you would think, in my situation.

I am sticking with the program of lowering the Fentanyl. The last time I lowered a dose was two days ago. I am now down to 56mmg, (started at 87mmg). I do suffer pretty big the first and second days, but I am making it through. I don't know when the medicinal cannabis will happen, I am still looking for someone who can put in the request before Dr. Davidson can. Part of me wonders if I can just go off the Fentanyl and not need anything else. Pain is a very difficult thing to deal with on a daily basis, sometimes terrible, for sure. But can I suffer those days for the ones which I get bursts of energy? As I have been lowering the doses of Fentanyl, we all have noticed that I have more energy. It feels amazing sometimes. I wonder if it is *me*. All these years of no energy, just plodding through my days, with the goal of getting back into bed to rest my aching bones and muscles. These bursts of energy are almost manic.

Tonight Shifra asked me, as I braided her clean, damp hair for the night (I'll miss that when she stops asking me to do it), if I think there will be a time that I won't need any medicines. I told her "yes". It just popped out of my mouth. Somewhere inside me, I have hope that that will happen some day. I *believe* it can happen.

There was, however, the inevitable down. Really, really down. Like all day in bed Thursday, aching with pain in my hip. Every movement was torturous. My steps were little baby steps, I can't take big strides anymore, any time, but sometimes a shuffle is all I can handle. Friday, however, I was able to get it back together and go to the seamstress, and do other errands while we were out.

Friday afternoon, after returning from the seamstress and stores, in considerable pain, I forged ahead and helped Ya'akov make order out of the chaos that was his room. Overhaul... he took everything out and started again. Huge garbage bags went to the dumpster. It was a tremendous project. I hurt, was profoundly tired, but pushed through it to help him. It is so important to catch that "teachable moment" when the child *wants* to organize his life by organizing his room. It was a rare opportunity, and I think he got a lot out of it. It isn't easy to learn to let go of things.

My kids and I have a dream; a vision of my life without medicines.
Sometimes I can see glimpses of the possibility.
Sometimes, no way, my body hurts too much.
Well, one day at a time.
Onward-ho to the plans for the BatMitzvah! In a few short days, my brothers come, my niece (who Shifra adores), and Robert's brother come from America. I will dearly miss my parents, but, unfortunately, traveling is not the the cards for them.

I probably won't write until I catch my breath when it is over. Some of you I will see there!
These are the things raising kids is about- getting to milestones, teaching them, chatting, spending time together, love. So much love. It has no container. That girl stole my heart the minute she was born. The first thing I said after she was out, to my friend the midwife, was "is she a gingie (redhead)?) Yup, looks that way" was the response. Indeed she is! She nursed while still attached to the placenta inside my body. I am in no means ready to let her go. The world can be so cruel. All I can do is pray (and pray and pray and pray) that she falls into the hands of the right people. She's 12.... such a child still, but I see the maturity creeping in. It's part of why she didn't find a dress. Either too childish, or too womanly.

My only daughter, my sunshine. She's a beauty, inside and out, if I do say so myself. I am the luckiest mother on earth.
Three outta four, 2008, after NF. They were SO young when I got sick.

My four puppies, all in one place... doesn't happen often these days!
three outta four on the 5th candle of chanukah
(Shifra was born on the 6th candle- tomorrow evening!)



  1. mazal tov on shifra's bat mitzva!! may hashem continue to shower you with only nachat from your sweet ones! may hashem send you a complete refua.