define luxury...

It's tiring having a "job" to get up for and do every day. How do y'all do it? :)

I haven't had a schedule in so many years, getting used to going to the day program every day is tiring me out. It's also pretty heavy work, emotionally, so that also factors into it.

It's very interesting. I mean, this is it. This is what I've needed for many, many years. Almost all my life. It took a crisis to get here, but doesn't it usually happen that way? At least with trauma it does. I have tried other trauma therapies before, to a lesser or greater success, but this, what I am doing at the day center at the psych hospital, this is the road I need.

We are still in early stages, of course. We are deciding what and how to proceed. It has to be handled right. It's like needing a root canal on an infected tooth; you have to take down the infection carefully first, then proceed gently to do the root canal. This trauma that has been stuck inside me for most of my life wants to come out, but if it's not done right, if it's not unpacked properly, I'll be left with more of a mess in my soul then there was beforehand. I need to learn tools of how to deal with it. How to deal with the flashbacks I get very regularly these days, how to deal with the hard, hard feelings that surround the trauma, and basically I have to learn how to keep myself safe before we go unpacking anything. That process began when I went into the ward at the psych hospital over a month ago, just with figuring out what medicines will get me to sleep safely, and keep me from freaking out during the day (dealing with flashbacks is not for sissies).

I am now sleeping well every night, Thank The Good Lord!! It's truly amazing. The medicines I am on are not addictive, and I can take less or more according to timing, and how I feel. It is really a miracle for me to be sleeping well. For such a long time I didn't have that. And I have the hope that it won't be forever; that these medicines can be cut out of my life when I feel I'm ready. But I'm nowhere near ready now. It's good the way it is.

The psychiatrist at the day center wants to switch the type of Cannabis I have been using (which I haven't used much, because, miraculously, my migraines have *drastically* gone down). She wants me to be regulated with a different type, one that will calm the nervous system but not stone me. The one I have now stones me, but works for pain. This is part of the "laying the groundwork" for my work in CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress disorder). It is a safety measure of sorts. It will help me stay calm and continue living sanely in the world when I open up and dump out that Pandora's box which was sealed tight for so long. At the moment, I start tearing up immediately as soon as we approach anything to do with that trauma. So, it's all a process. I have to get the new type of Cannabis, try it out, go slowly with the therapy (which is twice a week).

I am still working with my counselor who I was working with before any of this started. He's the one who Robert & I started seeing last year in the middle of my abdominal pain crisis. With all the meetings we've done with him with various members of our family, or just Robert & I many times, at this point the work with him is pretty much just me & him, also twice a week. The day center isn't so happy that I have an outside psychotherapist, but I've told them I do not agree to cut him out of my life. I trust him completely, and have a good thing going together with him with the therapy. I can't be expected to automatically trust whoever they give me, and lay it all out there in a new setting. So for now, until I feel the need to change (if I'll feel that), he's still in the picture, too. The day program is only for three or four months, then I'll go on to either this organization called Inbal (free therapy for women sexual abuse survivors, but again, another new person), or just keep going with this counselor-psychotherapist- who I have known for quite some time and have excellent trust with.

Point is... it's getting worked on. It's a relief, even though I'm not even into the process yet, it's a relief that I am not suffering from keeping it all inside anymore. I really wonder if my migraines were attached to this trauma. Since I went into the psych hospital, I've had ONE (count them- one) semi-bad migraine. That's IT. Down from two to three a week. Of course, I've drastically changed my diet as well, so it could also have been the gluten, the dairy, or the night-shade vegetables that were giving me the migraines.

I finally feel like I am getting to a stage in my life where I'll move... out of health problems and...well... away from the inability to move on. Not that the health problems have disappeared, I still have some important decisions to make about the reconstruction surgery, and a few other issues, but I don't feel that I'm stuck anymore. I didn't even realize how stuck I felt, until I realize how *this* feels. And my chronic pain is way down. If you remember where I was at this time last year, I was a wreck, with the horrendous abdominal pain, and deep, deep depression. I also haven't written my book in about a year. Now, I feel ready to start up again. I think I was stuck with my writing the book because I was stuck with the trauma. It is integrally related to my NF experiences, I just couldn't write about it. Now, somehow, I feel I can start writing around the trauma from childhood, saying enough so readers will understand, but without unnecessary (and possibly triggering) details.

And I am talking with my therapists about my horn playing too. That's also been stuck. My hope is that it won't stay stuck. I have to work on my perfectionism with the horn playing, and to go easier on myself, and maybe, just maybe, me & my horn can reach a compromise. I'm dying to play again. They are so supportive at the day clinic, I think I will get there. I am amazed at how life feels with this level of support; it's really kind of a luxury. For me it came from a hard crisis, and it's necessary, but from a sideline point-of-view, it's a luxury that I have this much support to work on these issues finally.

The Hebrew prayer for someone to have their health restored to them includes blessing them with healing for their body, and healing for their soul. The two components are on the same level. I've had tremendous challenges for my body to be healthy for the past 11 years, and now, by some miracle (and well-placed steroid shots) those challenges are quite a bit fewer, thank G-d. Now it's time to work on my soul healing. And I'm so grateful for this time. I'm grateful to be given the open opportunity to heal my old wounds, old traumas, which are still very much alive in me. The people in my group at the hospital are all dealing with PTSD from different things. I'm connecting with a few of the girls. I'm the second to oldest person in the group, most are quite a bit younger, unmarried. A soldier with very hard PTSD from his army time, other men who I haven't spoken to yet, but I mostly stick with the girls.

We are doing art therapy, yoga & movement, nutrition, music therapy, and a few others.
It's a very special program with some very caring people. I pray I'm off to a good start. Where this will lead me, only G-d knows. But it's a gift. A precious gift, born out of desperation and much hardship.

I don't know when the tide will turn, when I start doing the real work on the CPTSD and the traumas themselves, if I'll still feel so grateful, but hopefully that will be fleeting and dealt with properly, and I will come out healthier than I ever was before. Please G-d.