I have a dream

My dream is that one day there will be music again in this house.

Before I got NF, there was always music playing... you could find any genre, any style playing on my stereo at any given time. More often than not I was either singing with it and dancing in my kitchen, or conducting with the classical choices, bringing out the horn solos when they happen. Dancing with the kids was a prominent feature in those early days of mothering, also.

Then.....quiet.
I needed so much quiet, even my small children's voices were amplified in my head, from the effects of the PTSD. It was "shhhhhhh, it's too loud" constantly. I didn't put on the CD's anymore. I just needed quiet and more quiet. Noise actually hurt.

So I have a dream to bring the music back into the house.
But I'm certainly not yet ready.

I was released from the ward after an entire month there, on January 9th. On that same day I saw Shifra preform a skit she is working on in her acting classes, then took the (3) kids out to dinner afterward. It was a celebration of me being out of the hospital, and of Shifra's first skit with this group, and because I was going to take off early the next morning to go up north to the Galilee to spend Thursday, Friday and Shabbat with a very special group of women, led by a very special Rabbi.

That was the perfect place for me to "land" after the month I had. I needed the reconnecting with spirituality, and this rabbi is the perfect one for me to do that with. We delved deeply into our connection with G-d, and how to strengthen those bonds. This rav is into Jewish meditation, and learning his techniques really helped me feel so much stronger in my emunah (loosely translated as faith, but there is a lot more to that word than "faith"). For me, it was the exact right thing at the exact right time. It was a tremendously wonderful Shabbat, but I missed my family. Well, I missed Robert the most. Remember, I went on this retreat after not being home hardly at all for an entire month. But it was perfect for me.

If you are interested, the rabbi's name is Doniel Katz. He has a you tube channel, I suggest you just randomly click on videos, and you'll get a taste of what he does. He's the real thing.

Sunday it sort of continued, but in Jerusalem. A bunch of us ladies from the retreat went to "Emunah Day" at the world famous Aish HaTorah yeshiva in the old city of Jerusalem. We heard other famous speakers on Emunah, as well as Doniel Katz again.

By the time I got home on Sunday evening, I had lost my voice.
By Monday it was full-fledged flu. And it stayed that way all week. It was a nasty one. But somehow, I knew I needed that down-time. After a month in the hospital and three days traveling and being involved in very intense activities, I needed that down-time. So, I stayed in my pajamas and in bed pretty much all week. Lots of coughing, fever up and down, other lovely symptoms as well. What is left now, a week later, is still pretty bad coughing. No fever anymore, but the coughing is keeping me up at nights, just after I had gotten my nights straightened out at the hospital. It's all messed up again. The medicines that worked in the hospital do not work against this bronchitis at night. Not even together with Tylenol with Codeine. Last night Robert gave me some concoction that worked nicely on the cough, but gave me a bad case of the runs today, unfortunately. It was almond milk/Turmeric/cinnamon/ginger, and I'm not sure what else... all heated up and quite tasty actually. But not good on Sarah's tummy. I'm going to have to get some strong sedatives if this goes on much longer. It's just insane coughing every night.

Today, after a week's delay because of the flu, I started the day program at the hospital. It will go for three months, five days a week, from 8-1 every day. I met the staff today, they are still not sure who will be my therapist, so I don't know yet, but I met all the options. There will be group counseling, of course individual counseling, art therapy & music therapy on alternate days. I love the art therapy- it really works to calm the nervous system. They also keep track of vital signs like blood pressure/temp/heart rate every day. Cuz, why not?

I am kind of nervous about how this is going to be.... meeting all new people, starting with a new therapist. I have a hard time trusting people, especially therapists. I really don't want to go through it all again, but truthfully I never really went through it all with any therapist... the time has come to "unpack" that carton I have been carrying around with me for so many years. If it's done right, it will stop interfering in my life in such drastic ways. At least that's the theory.

In the meantime, I still have physical body stuff to deal with also. I had a mammogram yesterday; my first one ever. Today they call me to come in tomorrow to do an ultrasound. I understand that it is almost standard procedure to do this, so I'm not going to waste energy on being worried.

Thursday this week I am re-doing the MRI that wasn't done to specifications in Jerusalem. This time I'm going private, and the insurance will pay for it.

And I have to look into this constant mid-spine/rib pain that never goes away.

Anyway, these next three months are going to be intense. I pray that Hashem sends me the right people to do this work with. And that I have the courage to do it. I have to... this is the time. If I can really be free from this "carton" I've been carrying around with me? Imagine.... many things might be able to change and grow.

I'm already seeing a new direction for my book, which has been stuck for a long time. Unwittingly, the Dr of Chinese medicine who I used to see said something to me that effected me greatly. I looked into it with this Rav Katz who I worked with last Shabbat, and then looked into it more with the sources that the statement came from. It is leading me back to my writing. Finally. I have been stuck for a year, with the pain crisis last year and the depression, I couldn't write, and I couldn't feel the direction of the book anymore. Now, I think it is going to be jump-started again. With a new angle, exactly what I was hoping for.

So, new horizons, new beginnings. Moving forward, B'ezrat Hashem (with G-d's help).