Week three of healing the soul

Day 20, still in the Mental Health Center which Heals the Soul.
I'd rather not be here anymore, but...it's complicated.

Oh, and yeah, happy new calendar year. In my wildest dreams I could never have thought that I'd spend a New Year's eve in a psych hospital. Or ever, for that matter.

My sleeping is still not under control. Sometimes they give me enough medicine to put an elephant to sleep, and it doesn't work. My brain is just wired in a certain way, I guess. I think one of the medicines they are giving me is in the same family of medicines (Benzodiazapine) of what I weaned off of when I first came here, and my body has built a resistance to it, so it's not worth giving to me. The other one they give me, sometimes works and sometimes doesn't (and is not addictive), but if I take more than a certain dose, I get horrible restless leg syndrome. So I need that in a low dose, and it's not completely effective.

I was home last Shabbat, and that was wonderful...until it wasn't. Shabbat (Saturday) afternoon I started to feel that shakiness that happened about four weeks ago (written about here). It was subtle, so I didn't think much of it. But as the afternoon progressed, the shaking got worse and worse. It felt like Seratonin Syndrome again. The week beforehand they had doubled one of my medicines (an SSRI) without having an in-between dose... just doubled it. It was too much for my system, I now know that it's like my body can't take a certain amount of toxicity. That's why I have developed so many allergies to so many antibiotics. I had them pumped into my body too often.

So, Instead of staying at home overnight Saturday night like I was supposed to, I had to come right back to the hospital when Shabbat was over. I came in shaking like a leaf, extremely high blood pressure, and confusion. It took **hours** before the on-call doctor came to see me. All those hours they didn't give my any antidote to help with the symptoms. Then when the doctor did come on, he said to me that I am having a panic attack, not Seratonin Syndrome. I told him I never get panic attacks. Of all the things I do deal with, panic attacks are not in the repertoire. This is an issue of toxicity of too much SSRI dumped into my system too quickly. But the doctor didn't agree. He knew better. In fact, he knew SO much better than anyone, he made a point to tell us that he is the most knowledgeable doctor of psychiatric medicines in the entire South of Israel. (I wanted to say, after I rolled my eyes, how can you fit into your doorway with that ego?)

Whatever, call it purple unicorn syndrome, just give me something to stop the shaking-- whether it's a panic attack or Seratonin syndrome, it's the same treatment- Clonex. This had been going on for five hours, I was truly suffering. Finally I got the Clonex.

I had a very hard time falling asleep that night, even with the medicines, my system was just too high strung.

So now we are heading into another Wednesday... I came in on a Wednesday, so tomorrow marks three weeks. And, for various reasons in which I was included in the decision, I'll be here probably until early next week.

It is very, very hard. Yesterday I got terribly lonely, it just happened to be that nobody visited that day. I had been getting steady visitors, but yesterday I had a difficult therapy session, and no visitors. Today was better...slept pretty OK (7 hours straight), my daughter came to visit right from school, and another friend visited also.

The main bulk of real therapy can only begin when I'm out of here, though. They have hooked me up with an organization that exists with licensed, trained therapists, here in Be'er Sheva, for free, who deal specifically with women who need to recover from sexual abuse, no matter when it was (or is) in their life. It's been there all this time, and I never knew. I could really have used that place before my PTSD got to this proportion. But, as we know, things come to us at the right time, and they come from G-d. There is of course a waiting list to have a therapist assigned to you, but I can't even be considered for the program until I am out of here. They sent a social worker here specifically for me, and we talked a lot. That social worker submitted my paperwork to get my name in the system and get it going. I don't know when they will call me for the initial interview, though.

I've had a lot of time to think, read, and just chill out. I haven't had to cook or clean, or drive anyone anywhere, or worry about other people's scheduling. I feel unprepared to go back to resuming all that stuff, but it'll have to happen, slowly. (and I need to get back to the gym!)
As much as I wish I didn't have to be here, I'm glad a place like this exists. It's a safe place to recover and to have a time-out for mental health reasons. It comes with it's problems like everywhere else, but I do feel safe here, and I feel cared for. I don't know what toll it's taken on my family, though. That is in my near future to deal with.

Eleven years of this Sarah... the one who really can't work at the jobs she loves and strived so hard to attain. That Sarah from before NF isn't coming back. But maybe I can do other things.
I pray my family maintains their mental and emotional health while I've lost mine, already a few times. I constantly worry about the kids and their own special needs.

It's not what I planned.

It's what Hashem planned.

I don't understand it. And I am sad, often, because of it.

But in the end, I love my husband with all my heart, and my kids are the most amazing souls to walk this earth, may Hashem always protect them.
And for that I am eternally grateful.