Monday, January 7, 2019

Day 26 of healing the soul, nearing the end.

Of course, the title only refers to the time I've been in the psychiatric hospital. Healing the soul will continue when I'm out of here. I've been here to relearn how to sleep, and have a break from my regular life...because things were kind of falling apart. That's what happens when you don't sleep for a few months. I'm much better now, thank G-d. I am sleeping consistently, with pharmaceuticals, yes, but non-addictive ones. I am also taking something that basically keeps my nervous system at a low hum throughout the day so that I can sleep at night. That, I hope to drop out slowly as time goes on, but for now it is working. My blood pressure seems to remain sort of high, and I'm not happy with that, but the docs here don't see it as high. I do, because I know what normal for me should be. It's going to take a while to get into my own groove.

I hope to get a release either today or tomorrow. I've spent two Shabbats out of the hospital (this passed one was wonderful and simple, and very restful, with my dear friends), and one whole afternoon at home, yesterday. My doctor here says she feels there is not more that they can do for me here, my medicines are balanced out, and I am sleeping. The big work will be after I get out.

It is looking like that organization I was hoping to work with upon release from here doesn't have a therapist available for me until a few months from now. I obviously don't want to leave without support, so my doctor has recommended me for a day program here at the hospital. It is also for women who need to recover from sexual abuse, and it is all encompassing as far as group sessions, individual therapy, art therapy, and medical doctors overseeing each patient along the way. It is actually much more encompassing than I would get from the other organization (called "Inbal"), which is only one therapeutic hour (50 mins) of therapy a week, and the rest you're on your own.
The day program here is from 8-1, so I'll be home afternoons and evenings, which is wonderful (especially after having been gone for so long now). I'm not sure how many days a week it is, but I'd be willing to do 5 days a week if that's what it is. The "hard work" has to be done. Pandora's box had it's lid blown off, and it can no longer go back on. It's not going to be easy. But it's time.

Yesterday I was happy to report to my therapist (and also my husband) that I hadn't had a nightmare in 10 days. That is a record since this relapse began. But I shouldn't have said anything... had a big bad one last night, nearly woke up the whole ward. :(

But soon I will get back to my home and my family. I have greatly missed them, especially Robert.
I will get back to my Tai Chi, back to the gym, and try to regain some semblance of normalcy.

Oh, and I still need another MRI. ...Ya.
And my right rib and center of spinal cord consistently hurt, no matter day or night or anything. Gotta get that looked into.
And the million other things that need to get done that I haven't been able to take care of because I'm here.
I'm not sure what state of mind doing this day program will leave me in. I hope I can be productive. But I am ready to accept whatever will be. No choice.

One thing I am looking forward to is drinking my tea in my own cup, not a purple plastic cup anymore.

And having my own bathroom again.
And my deliciously comfy bed.
And my children. There is going to be some hardship there, I've been gone for a long time. I pray we all have patience and understanding for each other.

And my husband, who is so tired, but still so emotionally strong for me.

Please Hashem, keep Robert healthy and strong of body and spirit, and please give my children the depth of understanding and resilience they need to grow up in their own specific circumstances.


  1. Home again, home again, jiggity jig! Can't wait for the official announcement! Sending all my love to you, my dear, dear friend.

  2. It was so nice to see you in shule on Shabbat!