Long, long time ago.... (hat tip to Don McLean)

Honestly I don't know how to write about what I am going through. It's all very private, not for the un-leashed nature of this blog, or of the internet. And I've written about some pretty deep down, deeply private things. But this, this work I am doing on the abuse from childhood? It's deeper than deeply private.

I can talk about how things have been going with it.
I am in this program at the psych hospital every day, and have two different psychologists (well, one psychiatrist, and one social worker). Recently I just cry. All. Day.
Recently I've been suicidal. But I tell them, and they get it... and take care of me. They suggested re-hospitalization so I stay safe, but I know in my heart of hearts I won't do it. I can't leave four kids with that traumatic legacy. It's just not in me. I look at my kids' pictures on my phone when I start to really make plans. But yes, things feel *that* impossible to get through.
It's the flashbacks that are just not stopping.... I get to re-see this stuff from my childhood All The Time. Sometimes I see new scenarios, ones that I wasn't aware happened, but apparently did.
When you see it again, often times you get to feel it again, on some level, as well. Nausea, hard to breathe, all of it. (that's in my case, not everyone feels that)

Meanwhile, it is getting harder and harder for me to share what is going on with me in the therapy groups, and in general. There are lots of people in the group (usually between 15-20 any given day), and I find it daunting to speak from my heart in such a large group. And there are a few people who I don't feel are "safe", that makes a difference, too.

I like the art therapy we have, and I like the yoga, and music therapy. The music therapy guy is trying to get me to relate to my horn again, but I'm not ready. I don't know if I'll ever be. There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss playing, though. Tremendously.

I haven't been so successful with going to the gym... if I get there once a week that's a good week. But I aim for more. Tai Chi is also mainly on hold. I just can't get myself and my strength together to do anything productive. It's *so* hard what I am doing each day, it's all I can do.

The other night Robert & I got "away" for a night in a lent apartment on the sea in Rishon LeTzion. I saw an ad put out by the DJ's who we used for Azriels's Bar Mitzvah, as well as for Shifra's Bat Mitzvah, and they said the first three people to write to him about it will get it for free for a night. So, we went! We had a lovely dinner right on the beach. It was delicious steaks, salads, grilled vegetables, and the ocean waves right in front of us and blankets over us. It was really lovely!

The night was lovely (although we both fell asleep watching a movie- it was a boring one!)
The next day we spent some time bowling, but it wasn't good for me. We decided then to go to the  the beach, and we stayed there a long time. It was cool, breezy, and lovely. I have a beautiful shell collection from that day (and the other day when I went myself) and I hope to make a beautiful project with them all at the day center.

Then we went to lunch. Sushi. :)
But that is where the smiley faces stopped.
I went to wash in the bathroom, and for no reason I am aware of, I had a flashback, a big one. Totally freaked me out.
I got back to our table and I couldn't eat more. We wrapped up our meal and headed out to come home again. I was pretty disassociated, and very very upset.

I want this to end. I want the visions, the flashbacks to end. I never asked for any of this to begin with. We all have to live with that which we never asked for, don't we.

There is no date on this picture, but I think it was before the abuse started, but I'm not sure.
I certainly don't look happy, but there could be a million reasons for that.