New Normal- Purim 2019

Well, I'm not sure if it's a "new normal" forever, but what is ever forever anyway?

I have to believe that the CPTSD will chill out in time. But not quick time. We're talking years here. So yeah, new normal is about where I'm at. Months at the day center at the hospital which I've been doing, and years thereafter in individual therapy, focused on the CPTSD. Fun times. But I feel that an unimaginable life is there for me when I can dig myself out of this. I picture it without pain, illness (well, unlike the illness *I've* seen, anyway) , migraines, and enjoying my kids (& grand kids?????????? No, nothing on the horizon, but a mother can dream, can't she?). I try to hold onto that picture when things get bad.

Thing is, when things get bad, they get so bad that I can't see through to that other picture. All I can see is the trees, not the forest. Never ending darkness. And I see it a lot.

I had no idea how I was going to make it through the Jewish holiday of Purim this year. Every year it's hard for me- it's notoriously loud and boisterous, people in costumes, children over excited, and a general loud fest night and day. Every year it is a struggle for me. But this year, I knew it'd be impossible. But I'm still a religious Jew, and I feel bound to the laws and traditions of my people. That means that I have to hear the Megillah (the book of Esther), read from an original scroll (animal skin parchment). But there are many ways to do this. I chose the quietest way possible, and it's not at my shul....

A friend was in the hospital, healing after having had surgery. I knew that there are people (usually from Chabad) who go around all the wards in the hospital and read the Megillah to the patients, because they cannot get out to hear it somewhere else. So, I went to her. I had wanted to visit with her anyway, and here was a perfect opportunity. She didn't have to be alone for Purim, and I can have a quiet experience with my friend. It was perfect for me.

The next day is also a huge to-do with Purim. Lots and lots of activities, sugar overloaded kids, a large festive meal with the whole community, costumes, and much more noise. My noise sensitivity is really activated these days/weeks/months. It's part of the PTSD, and it's very hard to deal with. I could not have ANY of that. Just too much sensory overload, from start to finish. In all previous years I've done it. But this year, I knew I couldn't do it in any way, shape, or form. Problem is, what do I do with that day? It also has a few laws and traditions that I wanted to abide by.

So what did I do? I was recently inspired (the night beforehand, which I was actually suicidal, and this counselor helped me down from the ledge, so to speak but that's for another blog) by my previous counselor to go on a hike into the forest. So that is exactly what I did! I put on my 30 year old hiking boots, the same ones which had taken me through the Swiss and Austrian Alps in the winter of 1990, and up Massada in the summer of 1994, and also that I had lent out for someone's use once. Thirty year old hiking boots with stories to tell. Perfect. They still fit as they always had, and I was so happy.

I packed a modest meal, because one of the laws of Purim is to eat a festive meal in honor of the miracles that happened to the Jews. Packed up another few things, and went on my way! I happened to be wearing my Brekenridge Colorado sweatshirt, where I was last summer with my on-line mom's group, so I was inspired.

I got to Yar Lahav, a forest about a 20 minute car ride away from my house.
Immediately I had to get passed a bunch of Beduins (Arabs) that felt a bit threatening. Especially one, who had started to follow me because he was shepherding sheep and goats that I had just photographed. He was following me yelling "Allo! Come back! What did you do!" (in Hebrew).

I threw him off my path thankfully. I know people get killed that way-- a Jewish girl was just murdered by a terrorist in the Jerusalem forest a few weeks ago just for hiking alone. I was scared, but I looked straight ahead and walked fast.

After I lost him, I was on my own. (But I looked around me a lot, didn't feel 100% safe, but most of the time I could ignore that feeling. You learn to live with it).

I hiked around for about 3 hours before something horrible happened....... my 30 year hiking boots fell apart! The soles fell right off them! First just the left shoe, and I tried to tie it on with a plastic bag, but that didn't hold at all. Then, about 20 minutes later as I was going on a downhill angle, the right sole came flopping off too. Ack! I was only walking on the soft leather bottoms at that point, and I had at least three kilometers to get back to the car! I tried to find soft places to walk, but suffice it to say it was an impediment. (no pun intended! :)

PS- don't have faith in 30 year old hiking boots!

At that point I was near a beautiful scenic overlook, so I decided to have my meal.

beautiful clear day-- my view from my picnic rock.

 I sat on a rock, took out my canned Mackerel, olives, artichokes in vinaigrette, and home-made sauerkraut, and fork that was broken (from the fall I had when my shoe broke.... I got a little banged up, too, but really just small collateral damage.) I really enjoyed that meal! I said my prayers over the food in the merit of queen Esther who saved the existence of the Jewish people on Purim way back when in Persia. It was awesome, honestly. Gratitude overflows for that meal.

Then I began my sole-less hike back to the car. But I didn't really know which direction it was! But, unlike in 1990 when I was in the snow covered Austrian alps with no trail maps and the sun was going down, this time I had my GPS. I had recorded the coordinates of where I parked the car, so I just set up WAZE to take me to those coordinates. Smart, I am sometimes. It took a little over an hour to get back, but boy were my feet sore by the end! And I was grateful to see the shepherd and his flocks gone, and three Israeli army soldiers with their guns were having a picnic pretty near my car. All was well.

I sat in my car with the seat relaxed back for a while, catching my breath, and I think I took a little 15 minute nap. It was a perfect day, in my eyes.

That night we went out to dinner with a guy Robert works for, his wife, and two of his English (British, that is) friends. It was great, but somehow, even though I was really careful, I woke up with a migraine the next day. I don't think I had anything with gluten in it, but my gin & tonic might have done it. I read later that gin has wheat in it and people who are gluten intolerant shouldn't drink gin. Ah well, one less drink allowed to me. I'll have to stick to whiskey and rum. :)

So that was my Purim, and I am grateful, overall, at the possibilities Hashem showed me when I knew I couldn't do the "regular" Purim we usually do.

I'll end here, even though I have a story about trying to go to a wedding last night.... it's hard. The loud music, crowds, and in this case the strobe lights also made me insane, we had to leave early. OK, that's just what it's like living with Sarah. Oh yes, and at one point a huge flashback had me in tears as the chuppah (wedding canopy/ceremony) was going on. Thank you, JG, Robert, some shots of whiskey, and my pills which helped that blow over. But anyway we couldn't stay long-- those strobe lights were very bad for me.

That's life. It's going to keep being this hard for some time.
But like I said in the introduction, on a good day, I can have hope for the future. Just don't catch me on a bad day.

beautiful daisies abounded everywhere

Lots and lots of wild flowers were everywhere! The recent rains helped those a lot!