Perspective

I am in a strangely good groove these days. I say strange, because things by FAR are not peaches and cream. I am still going to the day program at the psych hospital, and the days that I've had to miss recently have been hard for me, I still very much need that program. I have abdominal pain on a regular basis, I may go through difficult surgery in just over a month (but I still don't know yet), and although I played my horn in pubic last week, I haven't opened my horn case since. These things are the hard things... but I feel like I'm in a good groove. Go figure.

This passed Monday I got steroid shots for my abdominal pain. Except it wasn't at all like the ones I got in the Mayo clinic. I inquired about that, for sure, and even pushed the doctor a little to do it the way that worked last time. He said he's trying to get a diagnosis, not simply putting in steroids to take the pain away. He's been looking for a diagnosis ever since I walked into his office. All the tests I did didn't show anything. He did the steroid shots into my back, not above my hip bones and directly into the stomach wall muscle, where Mayo clinic did them. It's completely different. He did it in my mid-upper back. So weird. Again, like at the Mayo clinic, I have to wait the requisite 7-10 days before I feel the effect of the steroids. So, I'm still in pain, but in the waiting period.

But even with all this, I am in a good groove.
I think it's largely attributed to my classes with Rav Katz, and the spiritual emmunah (roughly translated as faith/spirituality) work I am doing with him. Not directly one-on-one, but in a "chaburah", a group of like-minded people, all striving for clarity of emotions and stronger emmunah. It is very positive and actually right on the mark for me. He teaches us how to go through our emotional thoughts and feelings to feel where it is in our body, and how to bring the issue into the "light" (attached to Hashem) and melt it. His teachings and classes bring me an inner peace which I haven't known....maybe ever. I am meditating sometimes, which was something I never related to before. I am reaching heights and connecting with My Creator. I am comforted by the Rav's teachings, classes, and webinars I tune into three times a week. And *that* is why I'm in a good groove!

When spiritually things are falling into place, it helps you sort out all the worldly stuff. I am so glad I found him. I have Yocheved Frischman to thank for that (the wife of the Chinese medicine doctor I was seeing last year).

So yeah, things are still hard going, but I have a background of relief somehow with the work I'm doing with the Rav Katz classes. I still haven't really worked, like nitty gritty work, on the childhood sexual abuse. That is yet to come. I haven't figured out how to work it into my book yet, either... I'm sure that will come to me, though. I still have CPTSD, and always will, although the medications I am on now help the symptoms of it. I am sleeping through most nights, thank the Good Lord, and am in a good groove with Robert, also. Lots to be grateful for.

The answers I need will come when they are supposed to come. And when they do, I will surely let you in on them. :)