Rockets over our heads, miracles

I played horn in public for the first time in like about 10 years today! It was a small thing, but meaningful. I played for the day of remembrance for our fallen soldiers and civilians who were victims of terror. The very moving ceremony was at the hospital where I go every day for the day program. I played the "TAPS" as the flag was being lowered to half mast, and another song, and our country's national anthem, "Hatikvah", with piano accompaniment. I was very nervous, but it went off really OK. My therapists and group members were all there, it was heartwarming for me. The music therapist I have been working with, Gil'ad, encouraged me to do it, and I am very glad I took the risk.

You know, my therapists have spoken to me about becoming a counselor there at the clinic. They thing I am cut out for the job...I'd get paid and everything. They would give me a training course, and I'd do what the counselors there do; assist and facilitate the patients in the day clinic. I am honored that they see me as capable of this, and I am planning on taking them up on it, upon my own discharge. I don't know when that will be, but we are discussing it. I have an intake interview next week at the organization called "Inbal" which is for in-depth therapy for women who are, or have been, victims of sexual abuse, at any age. I assume that after the intake interview, they will assign me a therapist, and I will transition to there and eventually be discharged from the day clinic. It won't be a daily thing at Inbal, it's only once a week. I think I will miss the regular schedule that being at the day clinic has given me. But if I go on to be a counselor there, I'd still have that. Wouldn't that be a very interesting and good step for me? You never know what's around the corner. I would have never thought of this as a career move, but I like it. It takes the me that is a doula- helping people, listening to people, facilitating transitions. I do that naturally. It gives me a chance to *give*, which has been missing from my life since I became ill.

I sent off the MRI to the New York doctor, I haven't heard from him yet. I am tentatively planning on the big surgery at the end of June, and staying in rehab for the month of July, in New York city. It's scary, but the closer the time comes, I am getting sort of excited to have things fixed inside me once and for all. I have the abdominal pain back, and am going on Monday for steroid shots for that, but that is not a sustainable solution. We don't even know if it'll work this time, or for how long.

It is scary if I think about all the things that can go wrong. I have decided however, not to think about that. When those thoughts come into my head, I just pop them like a bubble. I don't need negative thoughts in my life. I have to be realistic, but I am trusting this particular [highly recommended] surgeon, and it will be hard going, but I believe I will be happy with the quality of life results. With the help of G-d, always. What is supposed to happen will happen. And I will pray hard.

Tonight and tomorrow we celebrate Israel's 71st birthday. It's one of my favorite times of the year. It's really amazing to live in Israel at these times. I feel so, so tremendously blessed. Yes, the beginning of the week had a shower of Hamas's rockets onto my city....hunkering down in our bomb shelter, getting caught outside during an air raid at one point. That was scary, actually.... Shifra and I were out, and the instructions are to get out of the car and go to someplace safe, of just lie down with your hands over your head. So when we got out of the car, we looked up, and there was the rocket flying right over our heads! We screamed and ran, but to where? There was nowhere safe to go. I was a little freaking out, Shifra was screaming. It was definitely traumatic. I looked up half a minute later, and I had the privilege to see the iron dome defense system intercept the missile for us. No more missile above our heads. We had to worry about shrapnel falling, and we put out hands over our heads for that, but the main fear was gone. Hashem, and the iron dome, preformed a miracle that night. I believe in Hasehm's miracles when it comes to the land of Israel. I've lived here for 24 years, I've seen a lot of revealed miracles happen here. Celebrating Independence day is an honor, and a deeply religious rite in a way. I see it as mixing religion and state, yes, but that is Israel nowadays. And I love my country. It is pure honor and privilege to live here and bring up my children here.

In August my oldest son, Dov (20 years old) will go into the Israel Defense Force. He's been learning in Yeshiva since he finished high school, and now it's time do "do his time" so to speak. That will be a huge transition for all of us, and I already feel nervous about his safety. But I trust Hashem. It's the best I can do.

So happy Israel Independence day, everyone! Let's hear it for the blue & white!!