Tuesday, August 13, 2019

amorphous and weak

My days ebb and flow without boundaries.
My mind follows suit, still weary after surgery.
My body is so weary that even my smile seems off as I sit and drink coffee with my dear friend.

I am unsure if this is normal for seven weeks post-op, or if I have a real problem.
I find it hard to get moving, or to focus on anything.

I have no pain, that is a huge blessing.
I don't want to trade my state of mind for pain, though.

My former therapist says that my mind, soul and body need to heal more,
that the surgery was life-changing, and it needs time.

I am not yet cleared for swimming, and am dying to go to the beach.
I mention that because my doctor recognizes that things are still early.
I have to trust him and be patient.

But it is so hard to feel so weak and weary all the time.
My brain function is minimal, I can't retain information,
can't concentrate on my book details.

My days are amorphous, nothing planned, no reason to get up in the morning.
I get up for my kids, but I feel hollow.

It's a hard transition after this surgery, but I think I felt this every time
after so many surgeries.

I hear that the anesthesia takes a long time to get out of your body, your brain.
Let's say it's a month for every hour of anesthesia, then this is still OK,
I am clearing my body from the anesthesia still.

It was a four hour surgery, four and a half hours under anesthesia.
Even my surgeon said for to six months recovery.

I think I am just not used to not being in pain, I don't know what to do with
a body that feels sluggish, weak, and a mind that matches, but I have no pain.

Life changing surgery indeed.
Muscles displaced and grafted, hardware taken out, skin graft removed, over a hundred staples held me together for that first month. It's a miracle. The only hint of pain that I do have is in my left leg, where a muscle was taken and grafted. I was told not to do anything about that, it will stretch on it's own.

No rehab, no physical therapy, that is new for me after surgery.
Just sit and heal with the big elastic wraps on me.

So that's what I'm doing, sitting and healing.
I just wish it felt better for my soul, my body, my mind.


  1. I'm sorry to read of what you've been having to go through, but glad about the near lack of pain, B"H. It sounds like you have the right attitude, and your determination and patience are working in your favor. May Hashem speed your healing.

  2. Hi Sare, your symptoms remind me of what it is like post-birth... essentially, with the surgery, you have a new you, a new status, a new role going forward, a new beginning! But the first few months are really hard, while your body adjusts to your mind and new state. As you know, after birth, we have to remind ourselves that our bodies went through trauma and exertion, and even though we want to run around and be active, it will backfire until we've had the proper rest and time to heal. IYH you will emerge soon from this time period, ready to take on a new world! I am excited for you. Hang in there! Hugs XXXOOO Dev :-)

  3. Gd willing you'll regain strength. Also consider the traveling, the toll it takes.
    Refuah shleimah