long and winding recovery

Just the other day I put away my creams for the skin graft rash issues that I always had. No more skin grafts. Amazing.

My post-reconstruction status is going well. I have very sporadic, slight pain. Nothing near what it used to be. Remember that the surgeon told me the mesh was folded over on itself? Yeah, that could have caused all that pain. Now that mesh is 60% out, as well as most of the clips.

Thing is I feel so strange in myself these days. This is the fist time in close to 12 years that I am not dealing with heavy health issues and pain. I feel like I've lost my voice, like I have nothing to say anymore. I'm not fighting anymore, and I feel it leaves a kind of vacuum in it's wake. I should be ecstatic that my problems have been solved. Thing is that I lost my careers to NF, and I can't yet start up anything because I am still recovering from the massive surgery of two months ago. I can't play horn yet (my muscles have been rearranged like abdominal Tetris), and have no birthing business to give birthing classes. I might start that up again when I feel strong and ready to do that. I'm not sure when I'll be able to play again, I have to ask my surgeon.

I could not have predicted these feelings if I tried. It's an empty sort of feeling, but not entirely bad. We went on vacation last week to the north of the country, in Cesaria, on the beach. It was really nice, but again, I feel like I've lost my voice, my personality. So I'm listening more than talking these days. There's merit in that. I am not yet allowed to swim, so it was a bit challenging being right at a pool available to us all the time, and being on the beach, but I managed. I waded a lot. I still have to wear the elastic/velcro abdominal binder 24/7, so as long as I have to wear that I can't go swimming. My surgeon still doesn't want me using stomach muscles much. But the family time (partial family) was good.

It is hard still recovering, having no careers to keep me busy, and not actively dealing with serious health issues and pain. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish for the pain G-d forbid, but the nothingness is a strange and often uncomfortable/anxious state of being. I am hoping my two counselors I have now (just getting to know both of them) will be able to help me put some structure to my days. One counselor is for the PTSD/ sexual abuse issues, and the other is for more practical day-to-day living. All free because I was in the psych hospital for six months (one month in-patient, five months day program). There is a lot of rehab out in the world, I hope I can piece together my life with it all.

I do have a book to finish writing and find a publisher for. That can take up loads of time, I just have to set my mind to do it. I used to think that if I didn't have pain or illness anymore, I'd get right back on the horse and do a, b, & c. It's not that simple. I am still recovering from the surgery of two months ago, still a bit in brain fog, and not quite myself yet. It's going to take more time. At the outset, the surgeon told me four to six months, I have to keep listening to that voice.

In the meantime I'm listening to a lot of the Torah classes that I love from Rav Doniel Katz, listening to my kids and my husband, and every day brings with it it's challenges or tasks. But I do feel a vacuum within myself that is hard to fill. It's very strange. I try not to get down about it, there is lots to be happy about. I wish I had at least one of my careers I could fall back on. I lost them to the years of illness and pain after NF.

Well, in the meantime, I have a book to finish and publish. I should get on that.