Keep moving, feeling disconnected

Life has so many twists and turns, what's around the corner is a surprise for all of us. My life has had so many twists and turns that although I got my belly fixed last summer, things are not stable. It's impossible to just jump back into life as I used to know it. It's all changed now. I lost my careers twelve years ago when I got sick.

Having said that, I have been playing horn a lot. I'm practicing nearly every day, playing with the Gadera orchestra (community orchestra, volunteer), and even had a few concerts over Chanukah. I've played rehearsals twice at my old job, but I don't know if my colleague is going to invite me again, time will tell. He said he would, but we'll see. In the meantime I have to keep practicing to be in shape just in case he does call me, but that isn't enough incentive to really keep me practicing a lot. I'm just taking it step by step...practice, play wherever I can and whenever I can. Take a day off here and there.

Taking everything step by step these days. Most tasks seem overwhelming to me, but I am practicing walking through the steps to get done what I need to get done. When I was sick for all those years, I skipped many of these tasks that are overwhelming me. It's hard to jump back into life....there needs to be openings to jump in-TO.

I'm swimming at the gym a few times a week, also putting one foot in front of the other to go to the gym and keep up with that. Nothing comes easily.

My son's wedding is less than three weeks away, on the 23rd of January! I still have some details to take care of regarding that. My boys need shoes still, and a few other things.
I can't get excited about it though. I wish I could. I am fighting deep depression, that's the truth. I am fighting it every day, every hour. Things with one of my kids are not going well, and that is affecting me greatly. They say a parent is only as happy as his/her least happy child... I am trying to fight that.
Mental health is so hard to talk about. It's partly why I haven't written much. There is such a stigma around mental health, I feel not OK writing about it. But I've really been struggling.

I have started the jewelry making class/job. So far so good, if not a little boring right now because I have to learn the trade. Doing small tasks at the moment, there is a lot to learn. This is not forever though, obviously. I am slightly overqualified.

Starting Feb 2nd I enter into a two week evaluation through Bituach Leumi (national health insurance) with the goal of seeing what career choice might be good for me. I am nervous about that, because I haven't worked in so long I don't know what to expect. I have to leave the jewelry making for those two weeks, but that's fine, they work together with Bituach Leumi. I don't know what to expect with this two week evaluation, it sounds very serious. It's a long time, right?

In the meantime I have a huge team on my side... I have a therapist at Inbal (the free psychotherapy for women who have sexual abuse in their lives), I have a social worker who I also see once a week, and I also have a "big sister" sort of relationship (although she's much younger than me) with a "madricha" (counselor, guide, instructor) who I also meet once a week. I have enough support to hold up Brinks. So I have a lot of people in my corner. The rehab package from Biruach Leumi is impressive. And all free. (this is rehab because I spent 6 months last year in the psych hospital between in and out patient.) I am not deeply connecting with them yet, but it is lots of support. If I were to call any of them, trying to reach out if I needed their support, they would be there for me.

Inside the heaters are on and there is usually a tea mug in my hands, and outside I put on my coat and boots and trudge through the cold, rainy nights with my dog, and bundle up for the sometimes sunny, sometimes rainy, always cold days. Robert has had the flu last week and so far this week also. Lets all hope he gets better soon, and that I don't catch it... it's been brutal on him.

I had a touch of bronchitis last week, I'm getting over it slowly. Still a bit of a cough, but less.

Laundry and dinner are calling me to attend to them, then I have to practice... Gotta move on with the day (night). One foot in front of the other and things get done. I just wish I felt more connected to ...life in general.