writing again, writer's block exit stage left

I've had writer's block. Not conventional writers block, though the kind that my mind feels confused about what to write about. It is a confusing time in life. I haven't written in a long time.

You know the surgery I underwent last June was completely life changing. It took me out of constant pain. My hip still hurts on a regular basis, but that's easier to deal with than the belly pain I had for years from the mesh in my NF wound area. You would think, on a simple level, I'd be happy-go-lucky, going for everything and anything that comes my way. But it's not like that.

I had a certain identity for the past 12 years. I was sick and taking care of my illnesses that stemmed from NF. This blog every week told the stories of the illnesses I had to deal with, and the frustrations and disappointments because of them. I needed to get out all the hard feelings of what it meant to live a life of a patient. Constantly at doctors, constantly looking for answers.

Now, I don't have abdominal pain. Baruch Hashem.

But I do still have CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder), and it's acting up lately. It's been a year since the reactivation of it, when I had a huge trigger, didn't sleep for two months and wound up in the psych hospital where I stayed in-patient for one month, and out-patient for five months (what I used to call the "coal mines"). Somehow with these anniversaries, the body knows. I've been having flashbacks and haven't been sleeping well. The difference is now that I have a lot of support, I didn't have any (professional) last year. I have a psychotherapist, a social worker, a young student counselor, and a psychiatrist. Should be enough to keep me together, right? I've been horribly depressed without knowing exactly why. Its so hard to confront that and write about it. Mental health has a stigma that physical health issues don't have. I will always have CPTSD, but there will be a time it is not so front and center in my life. It is just very hard now. I'm having a lot of flashbacks. The body remembers.

I am playing horn every day now. I am volunteering with the Gedera orchestra (an amateur community orchestra about an hour away), and this week on Thursday I am playing a rehearsal with the Be'er Sheva orchestra where I used to work. That is exciting (and a little nerve wracking, because if I play well it could lead to more work with them). I am practicing about two hours a day (average, sometimes less), so I am getting back to the level I used to be, but very very slowly. Still sometimes my belly hurts in one specific place from the surgery last summer, when I play horn.

Swimming has joined my activities, I re-joined the gym for that. I decided that it was time to get back to physical activity, but because of my hip problems, the pool is the best. It's a small pool, but I can get a good work out in if I have patience. It's harder for me in the pool than in the gym itself because I can't listen to interesting things on my headphones to keep me going. So it's a little boring, but I do it because it's important to keep the old bones going. Often my hip hurts more that day, although it doesn't hurt in the pool.

The approval from the national health organization for the jewelry making job *still* has not happened. The wheels of bureaucracy run slowly in this country.

Next week is Sabrina's three year yahrtzeit-- memorial of the day she passed away. That is going to be hard. We are having the gathering here at my house for all her friends and family (and her daughter, who I haven't seen in ages).

I am taking more Cannabis during the days these days because of so much anxiety from the CPTSD. It helps a little. Sometimes I have so much anxiety that I feel like I'm jumping out of my skin. Sometimes swimming helps, sometimes practicing helps, but mostly it's just roving anxiety from the CPTSD. My support system is good, but nobody can take away the anxiety. It has to work itself out.

Mainly I feel like I am undergoing a total personality change since that surgery. I know that sounds weird, but that seems to be what is happening. I don't know who I am anymore without the definition of dealing with illnesses. It's a huge thing-- for 12 years I was sick, and I lost my careers (one of which I am getting back into), and now *poof* I'm no longer suffering (except with my hip sometimes), and it left a void. I know that must sound strange to you, but after so long, it leaves me with uncertainty about my days and my future. Not that my future was so secure when I was sick, but it gave me a goal; to get myself better. That took lots of energy and time. Now I have that time and energy and I have to find a new goal. I had a meeting with the national health organization (Bituach Le'umi) last week about the mechina (preparatory program for further higher education), and it only starts next fall, I missed the beginning this year. They did however decide to give me an evaluation to see what my strengths and weaknesses are to see if they can guide a career choice. But if my horn playing picks up a bit maybe that will be enough for me. For now the birthing work is on a back burner. I can do the birth preparation course, but I have decided not to do doula work for the time being. It is too physically straining, and I just had major abdominal surgery, and need a new hip. As far as nursing, I'm not as sure as I used to be. Things are up in the air, and that creates anxiety also.

There are always lots of tears at my therapy appointments. We are talking about my abuse from childhood and the ramifications on life. It is my hope that finally getting this out into the air and having my therapist help "hold" the big black rock inside me, that it won't rule me, and the next trigger won't starve me of sleep for two months and mess with my head. It's a long road though, and I never really dealt with this in any therapy I have had. It's time.

I've made up for not putting out a blog in close to a month. This got longer than I had in mind.
I have a feeling the blogs are going to be fewer and fewer, but like always, it's according to my need.
Now I'm going to get ready to go to the pool.