Post-op day 16

This is a hard surgery. I don't know if it's particularly hard for me because my body has been through so much, or it's hard because it's just hard. I'm still taking regular pain medications. But I'm still in a lot of pain. It's early still, though, I have to be patient with myself. I'm really not great with patience.... I worry that something is wrong when I get specific pains. Also I fell down the stairs (in my house) a few days ago. I was worried that I damaged something, so I called my doctor to report the fall. He wanted to see a video clip of me walking, and I sent that to him. He said I wouldn't be able to walk that well if something happened, so he thinks I'm fine. When I go in for my post-op appointment in June I'll need an x-ray, so I'll be more at ease when he looks at the x-ray and tells me everything is OK. The hip replacement itself feels loose, I don't know how else to describe it. I feel it sort of wobbling around inside me. I don't know if that's a normal feeling or not, I've been trying to find out on the internet, but not getting clear answers. But like my doctor said, I probably wouldn't be able to walk if it really came loose, maybe it's just a feeling I have to get used to, that that is the new hip feeling.

Mainly I have to get stronger. I've lost a lot of strength between Corona lock down with the gym (my swimming) being closed down, and then this surgery. I had physiotherapy today- Thursday- and it was hard. I rode the stationary bike for 15 minutes and did stairs without holding onto the banister (spotted by the physiotherapist) one foot each stair. It's not as easy as it sounds these days. My right leg- the one that had the hip replacement- was shaking with muscle work by the time I was done.

Many friends have come to visit, I so appreciate that. Sometimes we chat while I'm chilling out in my bed, and sometimes I'm downstairs or sitting with a guest outside. I really do better when people come visit. It's a real thing, what is called "bikur cholim" in Hebrew, it means visiting the sick or infirmed. It makes a big difference!

I am very tired of being in pain and needing to recover. I know it's only been a few weeks, and I need to be more patient, but it is so hard to not be able to do the things around the house that I want to be doing. Now it's Friday, and Fridays are notorious for the cooking and cleaning that has to be done for Shabbat. I have given up on a lot of my standards, and that feels bad too. I remember when my mother was sick in bed for four years- she didn't walk at all and only went from her bed to her chair and back again, by use of a hoyer lift -a mechanical contraption that holds the patient in a sling while transferring the patient. I remember visiting and seeing the house in a state that she would not have allowed.... books and papers all over the place, the kitchen not organized how she had it organized, etc. I realized that she doesn't know, had to let it all out of her hands. She didn't know that the house was in disarray, and I think she needed not to know. I, however, know. I am downstairs more now, and yes, the floors need to get cleaned and so does the kitchen. The table needs to be set, salads made, etc. It is so hard to be out of commission, and I have compromised on many, many things about how I want the house (and food) to be, especially on Fridays. But it's soooooo hard. I have been through SO much these past 13 years, this has been a hard-learned lesson. And each time it comes around again it's hard all over again. Surgery sucks. Pain sucks. I want to be in control of my life, and I am very restricted.

I know I have to look at the half glass full, and believe me I try most of the time. To look at a white table cloth and see that it's white, ignoring the stain in the middle. I can pep talk my kids to keep their chin up and look at the bright side, but here, on my blog, I am here to say that it is *hard*. But it's all a life lesson. Sometimes I have very deep life lessons to learn, it's overwhelming. But that is what we are here in this world to do, learn and share with others life's lessons. These surgeries and recoveries teach me a lot about patience, listening to my body (not as simple as it sounds), and compromising on how I think things should be. It's a constant reminder to let things go that aren't the most important. My family is healthy, there is no fighting in the house, and I am calm. That is what is most important.