Too much pain- Next step MRI

 It's getting worse.

The pain is getting worse.

I am getting desperate.

I don't write this lightly.

Every step I take hurts. I have started taking pain meds so I can manage life, but I can't sustain that for a long time. I get rebound headaches from extended usage of pain medicine.

I can still go to the gym and get some of my workout and physical therapy done, but many many things hurt a tremendous amount. I am going to cut out going to physical therapy with the man, and keep going, for the time being, to PT woman. What she does is better for me than what he does.

I went to my psychiatrist yesterday just for a check-up, and told her about the pain problems. She asked me why I'm not immediately in touch with my New York doctor to ask him for a referral for an MRI. I had convinced myself that I first need to get a CT done, then send it to him, and then he will recommend me to get an MRI. But I don't need a CT....for what? It won't show the issues of scar tissue and nerve damage going on now. So I wrote to Dr. Margiotta, my New York surgeon, last night and asked him for a referral for an MRI. I hope to hear back from him soon.

That's the plan... to get an MRI as soon as possible, send it to him, and maybe travel this summer to go see him. I'm glad I renewed my American passport, but now we have to renew our Israeli passports.

This is getting quite depressing. At first I thought I could avoid surgery and just do lots of physical therapy and I'll get better. I started doing the physical therapy, and things didn't get at all better, they got worse. I can't imagine what is wrong at this point....the remainder of the mesh that he left in last time is irritating me? It took a long time to raise it's ugly head if that's the case. It took two years. Maybe it's the adhesions that took that long to accumulate until they caused pain. I don't know. Something is definitely wrong though, in the gapey area and upper hip joint. It's all where the NF was.

What if I go through another surgery to fix whatever this is? Then I'll be back in the same position again in another few years with adhesions and pain? A person can't go on like this. At some point it has to stop. That's why I don't want another surgery, I think we'll just be repeating the cycle over and over again. But I don't know what else to do.

I'd like, I think, to kill the nerve(s?) that is causing this pain. It's possible to burn it from the source so it will no longer cause pain. I just don't know if it's actually one nerve, or the mesh, or muscle or other tissue that is causing all this pain. I simply have no answers. It's a hard place to be.

I wake up every day depressed after a not-great-night of sleeping because of pain.

I am still going to work at the silver/gold smithing job. It makes me happy. I make pretty things to sell. I am not taking any more births yet for the time being, I just can't, that's way too much work on my feet. Something has to change.

Things are not going well. Let's hope the New York doctor writes back and refers me for an MRI. That's the next step.